IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

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CallMeFrank
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2017/01/19 05:44:31 (permalink)
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IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

 
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:
  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget...
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do...
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 
 
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:    None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No...
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
post edited by CallMeFrank - 2017/01/19 05:45:58
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3 Replies Related Threads

    LaLuz
    Cooler Carrying Member
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    Re: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER 2017/01/19 17:26:57 (permalink)
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    CallMeFrank

    And last:

    ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS:     No.
    ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS:     No.
    ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS:     No...
    ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS:     No.
    ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.




    And this quote fully explains all of the aforementioned questions!
    And perhaps some of the answers.
     
    Good ones, Frank
    I had a good friend who had a mortuary business and explained something to me regarding their
    process of interring attorneys.  He told me that nearly all the usual grave sites were about 6ft. deep. But for attorneys
    the sites are dug to at least 10 to 12ft deep.  The industry had found that deep down, the attorneys didn't
    seem so bad after all. 
     
    I learn something every day.
     
    La Luz
     

    It wouldn't take much for me to up and run....
    To another life.............somewhere in the sun.
    K. Chesney
    #2
    CallMeFrank
    LocoGringo Customer
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    Re: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER 2017/01/21 14:15:26 (permalink)
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    LaLuz
    CallMeFrank
     



    And this quote fully explains all of the aforementioned questions!
    And perhaps some of the answers.
     
    Good ones, Frank
    I had a good friend who had a mortuary business and explained something to me regarding their
    process of interring attorneys.  He told me that nearly all the usual grave sites were about 6ft. deep. But for attorneys
    the sites are dug to at least 10 to 12ft deep.  The industry had found that deep down, the attorneys didn't
    seem so bad after all. 
     
    I learn something every day.
     
    La Luz
     




    Good one La Luz!  Like all professions you have your winners and your losers.  My dad was an attorney but I never took offense to a good lawyer joke nor did he although he just about died when they started advertising on TV.  Big no no in his book.  You got your clients through your reputation.
    #3
    CallMeFrank
    LocoGringo Customer
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    Re: IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER 2017/05/23 18:42:49 (permalink)
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    A nice, calm, and respectable lady 
    went into the pharmacy, walked up 
    to the pharmacist, looked straight 
    into his eyes, and said, 
    “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

    The pharmacist asked, 
    “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,

    “Lord have mercy! 
    I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband

    Absolutely not! 
    You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The lady reached into her purse 
    and pulled out a picture of her husband 
    in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, 
    “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
    #4
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