Hot!Friday Funnies

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CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:07:34 (permalink)
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Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night
 
 
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
 
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"


Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:09:42 (permalink)
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  1. gone deaf?
A Scotsman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. 
Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 
Did you know," say's the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 
"Oh, thanks heavens," sighs the drunk. 
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
post edited by CallMeFrank - 2020/03/21 21:59:17
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:11:11 (permalink)
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Andy Griffiths Peaceful town  The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie - all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. Just saying........ 
post edited by CallMeFrank - 2020/03/21 22:00:18
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:14:09 (permalink)
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Once upon a time there was a
king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there
was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your
Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a
short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional.  And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on
my way."  So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The
King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.>

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.>

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it
will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the
government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date...
post edited by CallMeFrank - 2020/03/21 22:01:53
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:16:07 (permalink)
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ConfessionI went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

...On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side"
 
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:23:56 (permalink)
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During my physical examination today, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. 

I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 4 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair. Avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few leaks behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an Outdoorsman!" 

"No," I replied, "I'm just a ****ty golfer".
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:26:54 (permalink)
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For once, he wins

Back and forth . . . .
Back and forth . . . . 
In and out . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . .
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
 
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
 
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
 
Again . . . .
and again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .

Finally . . . . 
totally exhausted . . . .
 
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
 
"OK, OK, you smug bastard. I can't parallel park. You do it!"
 
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:29:16 (permalink)
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One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers  that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the  sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?' 
  
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,  Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95,  and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
 
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
 
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 
  
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's truck,
Ken's house,
Ken's fishing boat,
Ken's furniture,
Ken’s dog,
Ken's computer,
one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made from Ken's balls.' 
 
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:34:52 (permalink)
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A   WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15  KIDS.    
 
 'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS,  'ARE THEY ALL YOURS ?'
 
'YEP, THEY'RE ALL MINE,  ' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, 
 
HAVING HEARD   THAT QUESTION A  THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE.   SHE SAYS,   'SIT DOWN TERRY.'  
 
  ALL THE CHILDREN  RUSH TO FIND SEATS.
 
'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER,  'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE  TO SIGN UP.    I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.' 
 
 ''WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND  THE GIRLS ARE ALL  NAMED  TERRI." 
 
 IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS,  'ARE YOU  SERIOUS?   THEY'RE ALL NAMED TERRY?' 
 
THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES -    IT MAKES IT EASIER.   WHEN IT'S TIME  TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY  FOR SCHOOL ,    I YELL, TERRY!    AND WHEN  IT'S TIME FOR DINNER,  I JUST YELL TERRY!    AND THEY  ALL COME A RUNNING.    IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID  WHO'S   RUNNING INTO THE STREET,  I JUST  YELL TERRY AND ALL  OF THEM STOP.    IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD,  NAMING  THEM ALL TERRY .' 
 
THE  SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN  WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND  SAYS TENTATIVELY,   'BUT   WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH ? ' 
 
 'THEN  I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'
 
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:44:45 (permalink)
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Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol
 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?The Beretta Jetfire 25 caliber:The woman tells her story. “While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!”She added further. “Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.”In conclusion she stated, “It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...” 
post edited by CallMeFrank - 2020/03/21 22:04:42
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:49:38 (permalink)
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Theater Seats for Seniors
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Fred," the old man moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
 
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:56:29 (permalink)
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Kids are smart!
 
TEACHER: Why are you late? 
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
 
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
 
(I Love this child)
 
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
 
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
 
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
 
WINNIE: Me!
 
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
 
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.’
MILLIE: I is...
 
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
 
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
 
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
 
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
 
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his?
 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!) 
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
 
HAROLD: A teacher

 
 
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 15:57:33 (permalink)
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A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out up on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
 
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
 
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 16:01:00 (permalink)
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This is funny. Believable too……..
The effect of Four Little Words: "I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART"

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?
"Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now"
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

 
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 16:06:22 (permalink)
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Gentle Thoughts
 
Birds of a feather flock together... And then **** on your car.


A penny saved is a Government oversight.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have
gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement...


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this
way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 16:09:24 (permalink)
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Canadian Cows 
The only cow in a small town in Alberta stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200.

So they bought the cow in Melfort, brought it back to Alberta and the cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

Then they decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it.

They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.


They bought a bull and put him in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.



The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said.

"If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side." 

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?"


The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?"



The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Saskatchewan." 
post edited by CallMeFrank - 2020/03/21 22:12:25
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 16:13:57 (permalink)
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One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!

!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

post edited by CallMeFrank - 2020/03/21 22:17:21
CallMeFrank
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 16:23:40 (permalink)
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~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms
tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu, viruses and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~

 
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 16:31:27 (permalink)
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 A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.......So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull."What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks."I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls off, the pit bull is  trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner."If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."  
post edited by CallMeFrank - 2020/03/21 22:19:05
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Re: RE: Friday Funnies 2020/03/21 16:42:53 (permalink)
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'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......'
 
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