Hot!Friday Funnies

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Badger
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Re: Friday Funnies 2017/12/29 05:18:26 (permalink)
+1 (1)


Wag more....bark less.
crunch
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Badger
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/05 05:52:07 (permalink)
+2 (2)
This one is for LG member Maplesyrup
 

post edited by Badger - 2018/01/05 05:53:21

Wag more....bark less.
ChrisandCindy
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/05 09:26:08 (permalink)
+1 (1)
And mom looks like she's not going to tolerate any backing out of it!

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Badger
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/19 05:46:36 (permalink)
+1 (1)
I'm hoping Ms. Crunch will actually do this.....
 


Wag more....bark less.
crunch
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LaLuz
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/20 10:33:23 (permalink)
+1 (1)
I wish I had seen this previously Badger.
Definitely could have used this for my wife
over the last 5 months at the hospitals she's
been in. 
 
It's been a challenging last year.  I'll do a follow up
on another post later.  She just got a release from the surgeon
on Friday. 

It wouldn't take much for me to up and run....
To another life.............somewhere in the sun.
K. Chesney
crunch
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/20 17:41:26 (permalink)
+1 (1)
I am very sorry to hear that LaLuz. Hope it is getting better.
Susy
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/20 20:25:44 (permalink)
+1 (1)
Oh La Luz, I'm so sorry to hear that your wife hasn't been well.  I hope that the surgeon's release is the beginning of healthier and happier days for her and for you all as well!!!
 



 
 
Badger
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/26 05:22:45 (permalink)
0
La Luz, is she doing OK now?

Wag more....bark less.
Badger
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/26 05:25:10 (permalink)
0


Wag more....bark less.
crunch
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ChrisandCindy
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/01/29 14:33:37 (permalink)
+1 (1)
Those are wonderful, Paul. I particularly snorted at #7, since I am walking with a lisp. I have also abdicated. And #13 is pretty damn funny, too.

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Badger
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/02/02 05:17:29 (permalink)
0
Cindy, I'm pretty sure that I've done #4.
But not this one (yet).
 


Wag more....bark less.
ChrisandCindy
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/02/02 13:50:14 (permalink)
+1 (1)


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crunch
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Badger
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/02/09 04:55:38 (permalink)
0


Wag more....bark less.
crunch
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crunch
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/02/16 06:56:52 (permalink)
+1 (1)
Uhm Badger.  Get up you lazy sod!  I need humor.
CallMeFrank
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/02/17 00:11:09 (permalink)
+1 (1)
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
 
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

 

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.













post edited by CallMeFrank - 2018/02/17 00:13:28
crunch
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CallMeFrank
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/03/01 17:44:09 (permalink)
0
 
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
 
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

 
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

CallMeFrank
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/03/01 17:55:35 (permalink)
0
I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

CallMeFrank
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/03/01 17:58:02 (permalink)
0
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

CallMeFrank
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Re: Friday Funnies 2018/03/01 18:01:19 (permalink)
0
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
 
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