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The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/30/2005 9:35:09 PM
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GuestI
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If you haven't read this already you really need to. This will be pinned to the top for a while. Z
For all of you that are not familiar with Senor Hawk-we all kneel when he enters the room as he is one of the best Loco Gringos ever! We should all aspire to be like this fine feather one!
Senor Hawk started this story a while ago and it has been an honor to assist with his masterpiece...so here it is....subject to further edits as they come in....this is a living work in progress.
All LGs fall to their knees and many cheers come from the heavens as The Hawk appears to share his work with you all....enjoy!!!!
The Legend of Marco and The Hawk on the Roo:
In Search of the Crystal Skull
The Legend starts with a phone call from Needabeach, The Hawk’s wife. She calls Marco, one of Hawk’s closest friends and business partners. Needabeach is simply asking Marco to look out for her dear husband in the Roo so that she and Margarita, Marco’s wife, can spend their days shopping. But, Needabeach knows that The Hawk can be difficult….so here is where the story begins……
Needa calls Marco and says, “ Please watch over my beloved Hawk, remember…all you have to do is put a hood over The Hawks head and wear a leather glove, so the The Hawk won't bite! If you put cervezas in his water bowl he gets tired and has to take a nap. Mr. Marco Antonio...Please tend this man! He will be not smoking. He will need the love of a good man. He will not hog the hammock. He is a small white man, with little hair and a big attitude. My friend Rose has dismissed me. You are my only hope!! Please, I will deposit $10,000,000.00 into your personal bank account. Please give me your SS# and visa account and the Hawk will be yours!”
Marco answers angrily, “Here are a few words that don't go together: Marco Antonio......tend a man.........not smokin.......need love.....hog the hammock.........an money in my account! Needa, my friend, of course I will watch over my wise old friend The Hawk. You and Margarita enjoy shopping at the Locogringo Super Store in Tulum….we’ll see you once we arrive in the Roo!”
The four some arrive in the Roo. Marco and The Hawk go to stir up some trouble on the beach and the ladies (Needa & Margarita) go shopping or so we think. After drinking many cerveza from the Locogringo.com koozie Hawk decides it is time to turn in for the night….but where are the car keys? Marco is pretty drunk so is no help in finding the keys on the beach. Then it hits The Hawk!
"Hey Marco, I remember where I left the keys” exclaims The Hawk.
"What, where?" Marco is trying to make sense of what The Hawk is saying.
"I left them with Needabeach at BoomBoomTulum's. Oh hell! She was down there doing luge shots when we left,” exclaims The Hawk.
"Call her on your cell phone Marco," The Hawk orders.
“Alright,” ringggg, ringgg, "Hello, Need a bitch….ehem…I mean Needa?"
Needa answers slurring her words, "Yea, who wants her?"
OK, I won't even go there Marco thinks to himself, “Needa, The Hawk lost the keys. You got them?"
Needabeach starts singing "Loco Gringo's like to Party!"
Marco turns to Hawk and says "Forget it man, it's hopeless."
Marco holds the phone away, "Awww, Hawk, I think she's into the jello shots now.”
The Hawk: " Hold it. I see them floating in the water. Thank god we got that LocoGringo fishing bobber key chain holder."
Marco hangs up and wades out to get the keys.
Marco: "Alright Hawk, now we only need the LocoGringo Cooler. Maybe it's in the car."
The Hawk looks puzzled, "Car, what car?"
Marco, "Hawk you'd loose your head if it wasn't stuck up your............the car we rented yesterday you old fool!"
Will Marco and The Hawk find the car? Is the LocoGringo cooler still on the beach? Will Needabeach ever get enough to drink? And where is their babysitter Rose?
Back to the crass commercial ideas of this thread and continuing saga of Marco and The Hawk on the Roo:
Early the next morning Marco exclaims, “I just found the car keys!”
"Man Marco", the Hawk says, "I got a horrible hangover.” says The Hawk in a muffled screech so that he doesn’t hurt his fine feathered head.
"Dude, where's my car?" asks Marco.
The Hawk pulls a pillbox out of his LocoGringo.com surf trunks. It's the LocoGringo.com box Needabeach gave him for Christmas!
"Want a Percodan?" the Hawk asks Marco. And they both chew one up.
"Damn I'm almost out of Viagra" The Hawk says. "Needabeach is going to kill me!"
"We'll go to a Pharmacia if we can ever find that damn car." says Marco as he finishing chewing the Percodan.
The Hawks keen eyes spot a white object down the beach.
"Hey, there's the cooler. I hope there's a Cerveza left. I had this weird dream last night," The Hawk continues. "I got into a fight with Sponge Bob Squarepants. We started to wrestle around and I chewed his ear off".
Marco looks around for their stuff. "You bird brain, you chewed the strap off my LocoGringo.com face mask".
"I wondered what was stuck in my teeth. My mouth feels like the backseat of a '54 Buick." says The Hawk.
Marco throws together their stuff and puts them in his LocoGringo.com backpack.
"Wait a minute!’ Marco exclaims. “I need to put on some LocoGringo.com sunscreen.”
The Hawk grabs the SPF 200 and starts rubbing it on his head.
"You're loosing some more feathers there-molting season must be getting close my fine feather friend." Marco chuckles.
"Yea, every since you filled my Propecia lotion with hair removal cream.” Marco says laughing, "Yea that was a good day, don’t you think Hawk?”
"Hell, that was yesterday!" Hawk screeches, as Marco laughs some more.
Our two itinerant travelers walk north passed hippie beach until they come up to Arricefes. Through the Percodan haze, they think the cars in the parking lot.
"Oh crap! There's Rose", says Marco.
"Where?" screeches the Hawk.
"In that LocoGringo.com hammock.” Says Marco.
Rose spots them and jumps up and spreads her wings as the Canadian snow goose that she is. She approaches them both and without warning grabs an ear of each and starts twisting.
"OW,OW,OW" they both start crying. The boys both buckle to their knees.
"Where have you two been? You know I've been paid to watch you".
There are tears in Marco's eyes. "We were just up the beach Rose".
"We just want to get breakfast Rose", The Hawk pleads.
"OK, but I'll be watching you. Don't you go anywhere!" Rose says and heads back to her hammock.
The boys sit down on the patio and order a couple XX's.
"I'm going to the bano. It's by the kitchen and you can get out the back way!" Marco whispers to Hawk "You follow and we can make a break for it".
"What about Mother Goose?"
"Common Hawk. Those snow geese are slow-their brains are like ice cubes from the weather in Canada.”
Marco says to Rose, "Just going to the Bathroom".
"Well, get right back here or I'll beat those back hairs right off of you with my LocoGringo.com umbrella!" Rose shouts in her Mother Goose voice.
Marco heads off. As soon as he's around the corner The Hawk quickly grabs the cooler and backpack and makes a run for the door. Rose starts screaming at him in some unintelligible English, French and Spanish dialect he's never heard. Rose’s ice cube brain is now melting so she is making no sense at all.
"Run Hawk, I've found the car!" Marco yells.
The Hawk jumps for the passenger door with the LocoGringo.com Car rental sign on it.
“But the snow goose is has us in her sights!” yells Marco.
"Save yourself Marco!" The Hawk screeches.
The Hawk is half in and half out the car window. Rose has caught up and has strong hold on both of his claws.
The Quebecois (Spanish, French & English) Rose is shouting reaches a fevered pitch and is even at frequencies above The Hawk's hearing.
Marco continues down the road but whenever Rose looses her grip he slows down again and she grabs The Hawk all over again.
The Hawk screeches at Marco, "This isn’t funny Marco, this crazy goose is tearing my feathers off!"
Marco just keeps laughing as he slows down and speeds up again.
"I'll get you for this," The Hawk screeches and shoots him a glare from his magnificent hawk eyes.
Finally Rose can take no more, she releases her grip and grabs her pounding chest.
The Hawk gets through the window and takes a deep breath. Just as the dynamic duo thought they were out of danger Marco sees Rose who has gained her second wind.
"Oh ****, maybe we should turn around?” queries Marco.
The Hawk screeches, "Turn around? I've seen this ploy before. Next move she makes will be pretending she just passed out. That woman's got a constitution of steel and now her brain is defrosted! She'll outlive my grandkids!"
"Alright, alright," Marco says as he looks back to see that Rose has landed on the ground.
Marco stops the car. "Hawk, hand me a cerveza from the Locogringo.com koozie, my fine feathered friend."
As Hawk hands him a XX, sure enough, Rose has gotten her third wind and jumped up and is now almost to the car window.
This time she's going for Marco!
Marco puts the petal to the metal and peals out on the soft sandstone and just narrowly missing Rose's choke hold.
"I told you Marco!” screeches the Hawk.
"7cic0emem;;ci98NPOF_)&)(^#$#:N:<#N:P(*F{)FFHD:LFNO&C^%*&EYOD, "Rose yells!
"Head to the Locogringo.com store in Tulum," Hawk says. "I'll get you a new mask strap."
"Yea, maybe those Locogringo.com sailboards came in. We'll head over to Tankah Bay," says Marco.
"Ah, a plan! I don't think we've ever actually had one of those," Hawk replies.
"Yea, a first. Mark that on the calendar Hawk,” says Marco.
"Speaking of such, what year is this Marco?" asks Hawk.
"Does it matter?" Marco replies.
"Nah!!" says Hawk.
The dynamic duo continue on their journey to the Locogringo store.
Marco and The Hawk traverse the bumpy road, stopping periodically for some cervezas to refill the Locogringo.com koozie at the mini stores along the south beach of Tulum.
"Damn, you drink too much Marco,” says Hawk.
"Whata ya mean?”, slurs Marco.
"You drink like a fish Antonio."
"Hawk, you drink like a grouper."
"Marco, you drink like a shark."
"You drink like a whale Hawk."
"Your liver is the size of a Parrot fish."
"Yea! You're liver is the ....................
Finally they turn onto the Tulum main drag and soon pull into the Locogringo.com store next to Artesias "Karen" shop.
They walk in and see that Kay is there. This is unusual as she mostly just hangs out on the beach and tells boring stories to the tourists. Of course they believe anything you tell them so Kay is thought of as a so called 'expert' on everything. Kay is known as the Guru of the Roo in certain circles.
"You two," Kay snaps sternly. "You think that was funny super gluing my fins to my face and taking a picture?" Kay barks.
"Hey, we got it posted as your Avatar didn't we? And people think it's cute." the Hawk replies.
"I didn't have anything to do with it." Marco says with his best Latin lover voice.
"Bull ****! It was your idea Marco!”, screeches the Hawk.
"Yea, it's posted, but it took Gary three hours to pry those damn fins off my face." Kay yells.
"Look, we don’t have time to reminisce about the good times we've had together," the Hawk says. "We're here to buy more Locogringo.com supplies."
"I need a Locogringo.com toothbrush and Marco needs some locogringo.com deodorant."
"Real funny Hawk. You're the one who stinks,” says Marco.
"No, you smell like the back side of a rodeo bull."
"Ok you idiots! I don't have time for this." Kay snaps.
"Kay, did my Locogringo.com sailboard come in?" Marco asks.
Kay's face is flush and she is gritting her teeth. She doesn't know whether to be mad or to laugh at her two best customers.
"Hey Hawk. Maybe we should get a little something, something for Rose?” The duo ponders this question, maybe a gift with get the Canadian hen off their tails…..
"Whoa dude! This Locogringo.com nightie would be perfect for her." The Hawk tells Marco.
"Man Hawk, you just keep digging deeper and deeper holes for us, don't you!"
"No pain Marco, no gain. We're here to lighten this party up a little. "
Kay has The Hawk backed into a corner. She's swinging Locogringo.com swim fins like Barry Bonds trying to hit The Hawk out of the ballpark. Marco sees his buddy in trouble and heads out the door to the car. He opens the back of their Nissan Tsurus and grabs a large box. Meanwhile Kay has The Hawk on the ground and is just wailing on him.
"Kay, Kay!!" The Hawk is screaming. "What's a little superglue between friends?"
Marco rushes in the door and says, "Kay. We brought you a present."
Kay turns and starts to go for Marco. Marco lifts his box. It's Jerry Garcia wine from Napa valley.
Suddenly, without warning Kay stops in her tracks. "Oooohh! Wine! My favorite."
"We OK now Kay?" Marco asks.
"You guys are incorrigible." Kay says. "But you do know my soft spots."
Marco pulls a Locogringo.com wine opener and hands Kay a bottle. Kay pulls some Locogringo.com wine glasses from a shelf and pours a glass. The wine starts flowing among friends.
Several glasses of wine later Kay is hugging Marco and The Hawk and telling them they are the best.
Marco says aside to The Hawk, " I told you this would work!"
"You're a genius Marco. I didn't think I was going to get out of here alive, Kay is very strong you know!”
"Alright Kay. Did my Locogringo.com sailboard come in?" Marco asks.
"Yea, it's here in the back." Kay tells him and goes to grab it.
The Hawk grabs a dive mask strap from the shelf to replace the one he chewed up in his sleep and Kay returns with the board. It's customized with Marco Antonio stitched in the sail.
"Sweeeeet!" Marco tells her.
"Hawk grabs a Locogringo.com nightie for Rose and some Locogringo.com lip balm. You want anything else Marco?" says The Hawk.
"Nah. Lets get out of here before she sees the Iguana we put behind the counter!" says Marco.
Laughing, the Hawk says," Like to be a fly on the wall when that thing jumps out."
"We've already burned our bridges. Let's get the heck to Tankah Bay."
"Put that on our tab Kay," Marco says.
Marco and The Hawk rush out the door while Kay tips another glass of vino. Kay rushes after them.
"Get back here and pay your bills you slackers," Kay screams after them!
Too late. Marco and The Hawk peel out of the parking lot with their mission for the day. Hit the beach and do whatever they do all over again.
"Ah, life on the Roo," Marco says.
"Ah cervezas," says The Hawk, reaching into his Locogringo.com koozie.
Marco and The Hawk are driving down the middle of the road in Tulum. In their haste Marco has thrown his new sailboard through the back windows. The board sticks out three to four feet in either direction. Marco's laying on the horn like a Mardi Gras parade to keep from killing any natives.
"Andale, andale," The Hawk yells at Marco.
"What do you think this is, a Jai Lai match?" Marco shouts back over the blaring horn.
"Maybe we should pull over and tie this thing to the roof," The Hawk tells Marco.
"Nah! That wouldn't be any fun. Besides Tankah Bay is just up the road."
The Hawk throws his 'Big and Rich' cassette tape in the player and cranks the volume up. "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" blends right in with the tire screeching, Spanish and Mayan swearing, objects thrown and bouncing off the car as well as the horn blending in with the bass line.
"Should be there soon,” Marco tells Hawk. “Reach under the seat and get the wrist band maker."
The Hawk pulls it out and says, "What color for Freedom Paradise today?"
"Should be sky blue," Marco responds.
The Hawk makes two wristbands and attaches them just as Marco pulls into the guarded gate. Marco and Hawk show their wristbands and they are in!
"Ahhh! Free cerveza and margaritas!!! La cooca racha, la cooca racha," enough of your singing Hawk demands Marco. “I want to check this board out and for goodness sakes don’t for get to tip everybody!"
"Marco, you're the one who's tighter with money than a Manatee's butt. And that's waterproof. Don't worry, I'll handle it,” screeches the Hawk and while giving Marco a glare through his dark hawk eyes.
"Hawk, you need to get some new material or we can't hang out together," Marco states.
"Hey, you're just my driver and you're lousy at that!” screeches the Hawk again with a deep piercing glare.
"When I get to the beach, I'm kicking your butt!” yells Marco.
"You couldn't find your own butt in the dark with a flashlight Marco,” the Hawk firmly states with an intense glare about to capture prey.
This inane bickering goes on till they hit the bar. Marco drags his new sailboard to the beach and The Hawk orders up a couple drinks. The Hawk carries a drink to Marco as he attaches the sail.
"Give me the keys to the car Marco. I'll be surprised if you ever turn that thing around and get it back to shore and I don't want to be stranded,” says the Hawk.
"Why don't you just go over to Casa Rutgers and talk to the professor. You can watch me tear it up from the widow's tower," Marco says.
Will Marco ever return to Tankah Bay? Has the professor moved her stash to a secret location to protect it from The Hawk? Will Rose like her new nightie? Has Needabeach passed out again? Is Margarita soon to become a widow? What will Kay do when she finds the rubber scorpions in her cash drawer? Is she wearing her Depends today? And how much wine is left for Gary?
"Margarita's the one who's going to be a widow knucklehead." The Hawk tells him.
Marco launches the sailboard and catches some major wind. He's half way to the reef before you could say LocoGringo.com.
Meanwhile, The Hawk heads to the professors down the beach. He's thinking to himself 'Maybe she won't be there and I can hit her stash'.
The Hawk yells after Marco, "Goodbye little buddy. Give me a call from Guatemala! Say hi to MaryAnn and the Skipper."
Marco has his LocoGringo.com mp3 player and underwater headphones on.
Fred Neil is playing 'I've been searching, for the dolphins, in the sea'.
After walking up the beach with five cervezas in hand, The Hawk comes upon Casa Agradecido Difunto. Cherry and the boys are jamming on the patio.
Saint Stephen with a rose,
In and out of the garden he goes,
A country garden with the wind and the rain
Wherever Stephen goes people all complain.
The Hawk has an acid flashback to Winterland in San Francisco. Chocolate ship cookies and brownies are being passed down the isle along with funny smelling cigarettes. Women are dancing like whirling dervishes. Flash, snap, The Hawk comes back to the real world.
He walks up on the patio and Cherry offers him a splif.
"What's up Hawk?" Cherry asks.
"Aw, just checking out the Professor. Marco's out trying to get himself killed with a sailboard so I'll probably have to chase him down and save his ass."
"Grab an ax and jam with us Hawk." Cherry tells him.
Just as The Hawk grabs a guitar he sees on his Locogringo.com dive watch and GPS locater that Marco is now half way to the beach in Tulum!
"Ah, crap. I better not. I'll come back later if I ever find Marco again," The Hawk tells Cherry.
"Alright man, catch ya later." Cherry says as he hands The Hawk a packet of powder. "Some pure Indian magic from Crested Butte. Give it a try."
"Thanks. I'll catch you on the flip side," Hawk tells him.
The Hawk heads down the beach as the music starts again…
Driving that train
High on cocaine
Casey Jones you better
Watch your speed…
Soon he's at Casa Rutgers. "Professor, professor, you home?" yells the Hawk.
No one answers so The Hawk pulls out a huge ring of keys from his LocoGringo.com backpack.
"Lets see, which one is it?" The Hawk mumbles to himself.
He opens the door, hits the refrigerator for some food and heads back out and down the beach. He goes into the Tankah Dive shop and Bridgets there.
"Hey Bridget," Hawk yells. "I need a ride. You got time?"
"Sure Hawk. Anything for you,” Bridget answers.
Soon the boat is on its way following the GPS signals after Marco. The Haw with his keen eyesight spots Marco. Marco is screaming like a girl! He can't turn the sailboard around and something is chasing him.
"Holy Jesus, those are Mako's!!" Marco screams to nobody but himself.
Then he remembers that Kay had a swordfish painted on the bottom of the board. Marco starts flashing back to 'The Old Man and the Sea'. The sharks ate almost all of the old man's catch before he made it to shore. He calculates to himself, "Mako's can swim about 70 knots in a burst. I'm going maybe 35 to 40 knots."
All of sudden BAM! His board is hit and a big chunk of it is taken out. BAM! Another chunk is taken from the other side. Marco goes back to screaming like a girl.
But then, suddenly he sees Tulum beach.
"What's that flash of red hair?" He thinks to himself.
BAM! He's hit again. "That's not!" BAM! He's loosing major board. Soon he'll be standing on a stick.
"Yes it is!! It's Rose, the crazy Canadian Goose!" He thinks and starts screaming like a girl all over again!
Marco goes back to calculating and can't decide which is worse, The Rath of Rose or being eaten by Mako sharks!
His decision is quickly made because he hits the beach with the force of a category five hurricane and is launched into the air only to land in an open hammock between the coconut trees.
Rose is quickly upon him. She pulls a bicycle chain lock from her beach bag and has Marco tied into the hammock like a rodeo clown on a bad date.
"Gotcha now!" she tells Marco as she settles back in with the other geese sunning their feathers.
"Oh, Hawk," Marco burbles, "Please come save me."
"Hey Bridget, have a taste of this." The Hawk says and offers Bridget some of Cherry's magic powder.
"Can't Hawk. Maybe you should slow down too." Bridget responds.
The Hawk thinks for a nanosecond. Nah!!! He pours the some of the powder into his last cerveza.
"Hurry up Bridget. I got to save my little buddy!"
Marco wakes up for a brief few moments and hears a distant tune....familiar yet far away........
Hawk.....singing....
"Please don' dominate the rap jack, if you got nuthin' new to say........
If you please don' back-up the track....this train has got run today...."
Marco quickly fades back into beach dreams and the sound of the waves breaking softly onto La Bahia Soliman. (Unsuspectedly freed) His LocoGringo koozie gently bobs above and below the surface while secretly caring away the Modelo Especial that he craves, and loves.........
"HEY.......HEY..........Where's my beer.........WAIT.....Where's my Villa"
"HAWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK.........
Dig Life in the ROO!
Children of the Corn
Last we left, Marco had been captured by Rose and was chained to a hammock. The Hawk was speeding by boat to rescue his little buddy.
"Faster, faster! I can see him and it doesn't look good," Hawk yells back at Bridget.
Big mistake. Bridgett had brought her Rottweiler, Gunter, with her for the ride. Gunter gives a nasty glare to The Hawk and shows his teeth. The Hawk can see Gunter looking at his privates and, realizing his mistake of yelling at Bridgette, he eases to the bow of the boat.
"Easy there big fella," The Hawk tells Gunter.
The Hawk foolishly climbs to the bow and stands and screeches, "I'm the king of the world!"
Before Bridgette can yell get down you fool the boat hits the shoreline. The Hawk is thrown in the air and lands unceremoniously in the shallow wave line.
Bridgett winces and thinks to herself, ooh that's gotta hurt. Only Bridgett is German so it translates to dumkoff.
As The Hawk stumbles to his feet a firey haired woman descends on him with arms flapping. Before he knows it Rose has him in a full nelson and his feet are dangling in the air.
"Now I got you both," Rose tells him. " You're gonna pay for this."
Rose drags The Hawk up to Marco in the hammock. She reaches in her sun bag and pulls out some Locogringo.com handcuffs. She cuffs The Hawk to the chain around Marco.
"You two stay put. I'm watching you now. Any more trouble and you'll get this," as she pulls out a Locogringo.com whip.
Rose turns and heads back to her clatch of compatriots having toddies under a palapa.
"Fine mess you got us in Ollie," The Hawk tells Marco.
Marco winces "What's that horrible smell?"
Marco goes through the whole story of the sailboard and the Mako sharks and then tells Hawk, "I need some locoGringo.com Imodium."
"You mean you were chumming the whole way. No wonder those sharks wanted you." The Hawk tells him.
The Hawk turns and yells "Bridgett, hey Bridgett. Bring me my Locogringo.com backpack will you?"
"Get my knife Hawk," Marco says.
Under his t-shirt Marco has a locoGringo.com dive knife velcro'd handle down. It has a serrated head. He uses this after he got tied up with some lines in a cave dive off of Cozumel once when couldn't reach his leg knife. Plus he thinks it makes him look cool!
The Hawk pulls out the knife.
"Push that button on the side and the top will open." Marco instructs.
The Hawk opens the top and a handcuff key falls out in his hand. "What the hell?" ask Hawk.
"Lets just say I've needed them a few times. Margarita can play rough."
"Please, don't tell me any more." The Hawk begs.
Hawk gets the cuffs off and with the serrated knife starts cutting Marco out of the hammock. By now Bridgette is approaching with the Locogringo.com backpack.
Rose sees her and goes directly at her. Her snow geese wings, ah, arms are flapping. Now all her Canadian friends and some French people she has met on the beach come down with her to see what's going on.
Rose starts yelling at Bridgett, "Don't go near them. They're mine now!"
Bridgett turns and tells her she's just giving Hawk his bag but Rose still keeps honking away with minor honking coming from her following.
Meanwhile The Hawk works feverously to free Marco.
Soon Bridgette can take no more and a yelling match ensues. Rose has gone to full Quebecois which is part French, part English and part Spanish.
Bridgett slips in some German and now it's war. Gunter starts growling. Bridgett lets out a whole German spiel and the French drop their drinks and put their hands in the air.
A brave Canadian in a Locogringo.com speedo steps forward. Gunter feels his master is threatened and puts a jaw lock on his family jewels. He stops in his tracks.
"That's it Marco. You can slip free now." The Hawk says. "Head for the boat. And for gods sake wash yourself off first!"
The dynamic duo head for the boat, wade out and jump in. They yell for Bridgette who is ready to make an all out blitzkrieg.
Rose, with her arms flapping, looks like the Royal English airforce. It's a stalemate.
Finally, Marco and The Hawk, the Americans, are heard from and Bridgette grabs the backpack and heads to das boat. Gunter releases and follows, much to the marblebag Canadiens relief.
The Hawk pulls up anchor. Bridgette starts the engine. As they look back it appears the Canadian Snow Geese are about to take flight. It looks like a beach full of terns after the same fish.
"I'll get you Marco! I'll get you Hawk." Rose screams after them.
"Whew!” that was close Marco says to The Hawk.
"Now how about those Locogringo.com Imodium? And do you have those super vitamins we took from Kay? By the way, I'm gaining weight since I took them and my chest is getting bigger too!" says Marco.
The Hawk snickers. He grabs the pills and hands Marco two Imodium and one female hormone replacement estrogen supplement.
"Yea Marco, your chest is getting bigger. Pretty soon you'll need The Bro!" The Hawk says holding back a full laugh.
"By the way. Get those trunks off and throw them overboard. I got you a bigger size Locogringo.com baggy right here."
"Are you saying I'm fat?" Marco says and pulls his trunks off and throws them overboard.
Bridgette looks back and sees Marco. "Mucho enorme!"
Marco smiles and puts his new, larger trunks on.
"Hey Hawk, pull out that Locogringo.com Ronco pocket fishing pole. Maybe we can catch a fish on the way back."
"You want the squid Locogringo.com lure?" asks The Hawk.
"Sure,” Marco answers.
As they head back towards Tankah Bay, fishing along the way, a Mako hits Marco's bathing suit and swallows. He has the scent and follows das boat.
Marco has pulled out his locogringo.com Ronco Pocket fisherman rod and reel and is trolling on his way back to Tankah Bay:
The Mako has swallowed Marco's stinky discarded trunks and is following the boat. He sees Marco's squid bait and moves in for a taste.
Bam! Marco is jerked hard and starts sliding to the back of the boat. The Hawk sees his buddy in trouble and grabs him from behind.
"I got a big one Hawk!" Marco yells.
"It looks like he's got you. Let go of the damn reel." The Hawk screeches.
Now Marco has his foot wedged against the transom. The Hawk has a hold of him around his waist and is holding tight to keep Marco in the boat.
Bridget looks back at them and in her German accent says," Yas guys need to get zee room."
The little Ronco Locogringo.com pole is holding up and Marco starts reeling in the Mako.
"I got him Hawk. He's coming towards the boat,” exclaims Marco.
Now the Mako moves towards the boat with one thing in mind. A big meal is in that boat and he wants him. Marco keeps reeling as fast as he can to keep the line tight. The Hawk doesn't need to hold Marco so he moves back to see what’s happening.
"Holy ****! Marco, you got a shark!" The Hawk screeches.
Again Marco screams like a little girl. "It's the one that ate my sailboard. He's after me again Hawk!"
"Get him close Marco. I got an idea." The Hawk tells him.
The Mako is mad now and makes a full run at the boat hitting it broadside with mouth wide open. The Hawk pulls something from his backpack and throws it into the shark’s mouth just before he takes a chunk of the boat out.
The shark has it in his gullet and can't pass it down his throat. Marco holds the reel tight as the shark struggles to breath.
"What the heck did you throw at him Hawk?" asks Marco.
"Roses Locogringo.com nightie and I think it's stuck in his gullet! Reel him in Marco,” orders The Hawk.
Marco reels him closer as the Mako struggles.
The Hawk grabs the tie off line and makes a lasso.
"Who do you think you are, Roy Rogers?" Marco yells.
As the Mako tires Marco pulls him closer. The Hawk throws the rope. It flies through the air and lands behind the shark. The Hawk pulls it tight. He has him by the tail. The Hawk ties the line off and tells Marko to let go.
"What are you doing Hawk? This isn't Cheyenne Frontier days."
"We got him Marco!" The Hawk tells him as the Mako is turned and dragged behind the boat.
"Give it full power Bridgett!" The Hawk screeches.
Now the Mako can't breath. His gills are pulled backwards and the nightie is stuck in his craw. He starts to give up the struggle.
"Thanks Hawk. I don't think he was going to give up until he got me." Marco says.
"No. Thank Rose's Locogringo.com nightie. Otherwise we would have had to use the dynamite sticks. And you know what happened the last time we did that."
"Don't remind me Hawk. I think those banditos are still looking for us."
Bridgett hits the entrance to the reef at Tankah and proceeds to the dive shop. Soon she pulls up on the sand and Marco and the Hawk jump out to pull the Mako to shore.
"Shark steak tonight,” The Hawk tells Bridgett.
"Well you owe me." Bridgett says.
The Professor walks up as they pull the Mako on shore.
"You've been raiding my refrigerator again haven't you Hawk." The Professor exclaims.
"Calm down Professor. I've got shark steaks and important business that we need to discuss,” explains The Hawk.
Marco and I got a new map to lead us to the Crystal Skull of the Mayans. We need to you look at it." The Hawk tells her.
"Well OK. Shark is better than sandwiches, but I'm gonna catch you some day breaking into the casa and fillet you Hawk. And your maps are all a bunch of baloney." Says the Professor.
"Get to work on filleting the shark Marco, I'll be back in a while."
"Get back here Hawk or I'll come and fillet you first,” Marco yells.
The bickering continues until the shark steaks are on the grill.
Does The Hawk have a map to the Crystal Skull of the Mayans? Have Marco and The Hawk forgot their wives Margarita and Needabeach?
Our boys are at the Professor's for some mid-afternoon Mako steak.
The Hawk has gone to Cherry Garcia's and invited the band to come over for some lunch. Cherry brings some Palenque Mushrooms and some fruit for the fixings.
"Hey, Cherry! I took that 'magic powder' and nothing happened. What gives?" The Hawk asks.
"This isn't any old estupefaciente Hawk. It's time will come to you when you need it most. When you are near your afortunato talisman it will be magia." Cherry tells him.
Now The Hawk's Spanish is very poor and Marco isn't there to help him. He's taken a shower and is going through the Professors bathroom cabinet for deodorant when he sees a bottle of pills that look familiar. He opens the bottle and screams. " Haaaaaawwwwwkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You bastado."
Oops, The Hawk senses conflict.
Marco runs down the stairs and out to the patio where everyone is grilling and making the lunch. His towel falls off on the way and furious he doesn't realize he's naked as he goes straight for The Hawks throat.
"Those aren't super vitamins Hawk. They're estrogen for women. It's no wonder my chest is bigger and I feel like crying. For god's sake, I've been screaming like a girl." Marco yells at Hawk.
Cherry and the band see Marco and almost in unison go "ooo, el longo".
Choking The Hawk says "I savthed yo frun th chak."
Cherry comes over and grabs Marco to stop him killing Hawk. The Professor has grabbed her camera and is snapping pictures for later.
Finally order is restored.
The Professor keeps clicking away and The Hawk tells Marco, "I'm sorry man but it was funny. Now get a towel on, you're scaring the neighbors. Look at the gardener there raking the beach. I think he's light in the loafers and wants to talk to you."
Marco storms back inside pouting and goes to get his clothes.
"I'll get you for this Hawk," Marco screams back in a high-pitched voice.
He turns to the Professor and says " What a girl."
"Yea, but what a specimen." The Professor responds.
Now Cherry with his band, the Professor along with Marco and The Hawk sit at the stone circular patio table and start partaking of the Mako. Cherry passes around his mushrooms and fruit.
"Damn good shark Hawk. How'd you catch him?" Cherry asks.
"Marco hooked him and I lasso'd 'em."
"Have some 'shrooms Professor." Marco offers.
"If those are the same ones I had last time I'll pass. I saw colors and tracing for a week after that." The Professor says.
The Hawk pulls out a map from his Locogringo.com koozie. "Professor, can you tell me where this is on the map?" He asks.
"Well it's on the Mesoamerican reef. My guess is off of Punta Allen. This writing shows a cave that swirls and goes down under the coral. Looks dangerous Hawk." The Professor tells him. "What do you think you'll find?" asks the Professor.
"The crystal skull of the Hunab Ku, the one and only God of the Mayans." Hawk replies.
"Whoa dude! Bright lights, big city." Marco says.
His eyes are glazed over and he can't put his hands on the glass on Don Julio Real in front of him. Marco begins waving his arms in the air.
"Marco snap out of it! We're going back to Tulum after this to meet up with Margarita and Needabeach at the Locogringo.com superstore,” says The Hawk.
"Who's Margarita man. And who are you?" asks Marco.
"Thanks Professor." The Hawk turns and says. "Hey Cherry, can you help me get this loco to the car we parked at Freedom Paradise?" The Hawk asks.
"Sure Hawk." Cherry tells him.
They finish the shark and leave the cleanup mess for the Professor. They head back down the Tankah Bay beach to the car.
"Hawk, Hawk! Is that you? I think I need that Locogringo.com Imodium," asks Marco in a high pitched voice.
"That's it for you Marco,” screeches the Hawk! “I'm getting the Locogringo.com Depends at the superstore and you're wearing them all the time. And if you step out of line again I'm taking you back to see Rose!"
"Please, please. How can you be so cruel to your buddy. No, please don’t take me back to see Rose. I'll behave, I promise!" pleads Marco.
"Ok, Ok I'll tell you what. When we find that cave on the reef I'll let you go first to make up for it." The Hawk makes a deal with Marco.
"But Hawk, they're squirrels running all over the beach!” Marco wails in fear.
"Well, hold your nuts numskull." Hawk says.
"Here, have some more shroom's guys." Cherry offers.
Last time we left Marco and The Hawk were headed to their car. Their destination: the LocoGringo.com Superstore.
"I'm driving Marco." And The Hawk scoops the keys from the bag before Marco can say otherwise."
"Stop for some cerveza Hawk. Our Locogringo.com koozie is running low,” Marco says.
The dynamic duo hit the Stop and Go. The owner hates them even though they give some good business to him. Marco runs into the window looking for the door.
"Candy bars Hawk. Must have candy bars." Marko says.
"Listen pork chop. Margarita wants you to slim down. Leave the sweets alone," Hawk tells Marco.
As they walk in the door the owner yells at them, " What are you doing in here. I told you to never come back!"
"Listen, accidents happen ya know. Clean up on isle 3. We didn't mean any harm, quips The Hawk.
Now Marco starts bumping into everything in site heading for the back to the cooler. The mushrooms have gotten the best of him. The Hawk tries to throw money at the owner but flames are shooting out of his ears. He's totally fuming when Marco hits a glass display case breaking it with all it's contents hitting the floor.
"That's it! That's it!" The enraged owner screams.
But there's no stopping Marco. He spots the XX's and goes straight for them.
"Get a case!” The Hawk yells after him.
Now the owner switches towards Marco. The Hawk sees that his buddy in danger. He grabs cooking oil off the shelf and starts spilling it in the isles. The owner reaches for Marco and suddenly his feet flip out from under him into the air. Bammmm he hits the floor!
"Now they're gators crawling on the floor Hawk," hallucinating Marco exclaims.
"Grab the beer and lets go Marco before the Federales come!" The Hawk caws.
Marco stumbles towards the door hitting everything in site. The Hawk grabs him and the beer. He throws some hundred dollar bills at the checkout counter and yells, "Here, this is for the damages."
The owner is squirming on the floor. "Come back here. I'll get you two if it's the last thing I do."
As they get in the car Marco tells Hawk, "Man that guy has a bad attitude."
"Don't worry about it Marco. Hand me a cerveza. Did you get any limes?"
"Crap, we better go back Hawk,” Marco says.
(They go back and are peering through the window)
Our itinerant adventurers have decided getting limes at the Stop & Go would not be wise as the owner has now gotten to his feet and is brandishing a large object in his hands.
As they back out to get away he swings and misses Marco through the window.
"Strike three! You're outa there." The Hawk yells back at him.
They peel out into traffic and head to the Locogringo.com Superstore. They need Imodium or Depends for Marco and right now it just depends on will they get there in time before Marco starts squealing like a pig.
"I can't hold it Hawk," squeals Marco.
"Put a cork in it Marco, we're almost there,” Hawk says.
Now Marco is hallucinating to beat the band from the mushrooms. The colors of the buildings in Tulum are all bleeding together and his body is split into two. Marco is in such bad shape that he sees four hands and four legs and he can't decipher which are the real ones. So he reaches for a cerveza.
"Nope, not that hand, nope not that hand, nope no that hand." Marco says swinging wildly in the air.
The Hawk swerves as a huge black vehicle passes him at high speed.
"Aieeee! Ariba, ariba, ariba!" The Hawk hears yelling from the driver as he goes by.
Marco reaches for the cerveza The Hawk has between his legs.
"Hey, hey, hey!" The Hawk says pushing Marco away. "We're not that friendly partner."
The Hawk reaches into the Locogringo.com koozie between them and hands Marco a XX. Marco opens it and goes to take a drink but pours it into his imaginary second mouth so it spills all over him.
"Quit wasting beer Marco. I'm getting tired of stopping every hour to buy more," Hawks screeches at him.
As they come into the center of Tulum The Hawk starts to turn into the side road and park at the Locogringo.com Superstore. Marco looks up and thinks The Hawk is going to hit the huge black truck parked out in front.
"There's that crazy driver. I'm gonna have words with him." The Hawk says.
Now Marco grabs the steering wheel and The Hawk tries to straighten the car back out when Marco lets go and CRASH!!!!!!! They've run right through the front windows of the LocoGringo.com Superstore.
Opening his door Marco jumps out and starts screaming "Bano, bano, banooooooooo," as he runs to the back of the store.
Now Hawk looks up and sees Kay screaming at him. He gets out of the car and who walks up to him but Needabeach, his lovely wife.
Lazaro and Margarita, Marco’s wife are behind her.
It occurs to The Hawk he could be in trouble again.
Lazaro starts laughing and Margarita goes after Marco, "You fkopoendngf,.s idiot."
Kay starts screaming, “What’s going on in here?”
"Look what you've done now)%**(# ^&^>" Needabeach yells at The Hawk.
It's a frigging symphony of the monkey jungle The Hawk thinks to himself. H runs back to the car and pulls out a box filled with shark steaks from Cherry’ sparty covered in heilo.
"I brought you guys some shark steaks." Hawk says.
Needabeach says to Kay, "Do you have a gun? I'm wanna shoot this fool."
Needa turns to The Hawk. "Rose said she had you up in Akumal and you were going to release some baby sea turtles. Now you come through the window and wreck the LocoGringo.com store?"
Kay has now picked up a LocoGringo.com sun umbrella and is womping The Hawk as hard as she can. The Hawk fends her off the best he can.
"Rose? We lost that Snow Goose twice today. You think we're amateurs or what?" asks The Hawk.
Whap!! The Hawk takes a good shot up side the head.
Lazaro, known for stirring up trouble in the Roo, just keeps laughing in the background just trying to stay out of the fray.
Now Marco staggers out of the bano. All four hands are knocking over items off the shelfs left and right.
Margarita has him by his short hairs and is trying to control the damage.
"Grab the Imodium and some Depends," The Hawk screeches at Marco.
Finally, The Hawk can't take the beating he's getting any more and grabs the umbrella out of Kay's hands.
"Alright, alright,” The Hawk yells at Kay! He reaches into the car and pulls out the LocoGringo.com koozie from their backpack. "Here! I'll pay the damages," he says. The Hawk pulls out a wad of hundred dollar bills and shoves them into Kay's hand.
Kay looks at the money and suddenly becomes calmer. She starts counting. When she gets to $4,000.00 and still has more she says to Hawk. "Ok,Ok, this will cover it. But I never want you two back here again!"
Now Needabeach goes after Hawk, "That's our vacation money. What are we gonna do for the rest of the trip?"
"Now sweetheart, I've got lots more. You and Margarita just go and buy all you want. I've got a map to the Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku and Marco and I will meet you back at the Villa when we find it." Hawk explains.
All Needabeach hears is spend all you want and turns to Margarita who has now dragged Marco to the front of the store by his hair.
Margarita pulls out a Visa card faster than Billy the Kid could draw his gun and turns to Kay. "I need a nightie for Rose and I'll take this and this and this and this........"
The Hawk sees her attention diverted and turns to Lazaro. "We need a ride to the Sian Ka'an. Will you take us?"
"What about them?" Lazaro asks pointing at Needabeach and Margarita.
"Hey, Honey. Call Executive and tell them you need another car. This ones broke." The Hawk says to Needabeach.
"Why do I always have to clean up your messes Hawk." Needabeach says.
"You remember that love, honor and obey crap we said. It's your turn to obey. I'm going after The Crystal Skull and that’s that!"
Needabeach turns to Margarita, "You know any good divorce lawyers?"
"Here, I got one on speed dial just in case." Margarita reponds.
"You in, Lazaro? Or are you gonna hang out with the women all day?" The Hawk says.
"This better be good Hawk and not just a wild goose chase!" Lazaro snaps back.
"We chased the geese away this morning Lazaro," Marco says having a flashback to Rose and the Canadians.
The Hawk grabs their stuff and Marco and heads through the broken window.
"Come on Lazaro. It's an adventure." Hawk tells him.
Lazaro, up for any excitement he can find, shouts back at the ladies. "I'll watch them for a while. Don't worry, they're in good hands."
Kay looks at them and mutters, "Three stooges on the Roo."
"We'll meet you back at the villa tomorrow," the Hawk turns and tells Needabeach.
"I want a refund on that sailboard you sold me," Marco says to Kay, "It was defective."
Kay turns beet red and picks up another umbrella.
"Don't even go there." The Hawk says and pushes Marco into the back seat of the truck. "What is this anyway Lazaro?" Hawk asks.
"It's a modified Hummer Hawk. I got it tricked out. I smuggled it in through Guatemala."
"Ah, a man after my own heart." The Hawk says.
Ping, a rock hits the rear view mirror. Kay has a LocoGringo.com slingshot and is handing them out to Needabeach and Margarita.
"Step on it Laz. They're all fired up again." Hawk yells.
"Aieeeee. Ariba, ariba, ariba." Lazaro yells as he pulls the Hummer into traffic and away from the rocks being shot at them. Lazaro throws The Flavors into the deck and cranks up the volume. The Hummer starts shaking and they're off in search of The Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku!
Will the Imodium help Marco? Did he remember the Depends? Will Marco's hallucinations ever stop?. Who is this crazy Lazaro and where did he come from? Is Needabeach calling a lawyer? Can Kay ever forgive Marco and The Hawk or are they banished from LocoGringo.com forever? And is there a Crystal Skull or is The Hawk delusional as usual?
Last we left Marco and The Hawk on the Roo, they had smashed the front of the LocoGringo.com Superstore and grabbed Lazaro to drive them to the Sian Ka'an. Needabeach and Margarita now have 'carte blanche' to shop 'till they drop and Kay is still counting the money The Hawk gave her to pay for damages.
"We need to get to the internet cafe Margarita. I've got The Hawks American Express platinum card and he's going to pay for this," Needabeach exclaims!
"I think that Marco might be on something. Did you notice any difference in how he acted?" Margarita asks Needabeach.
"Marco's crazy all the time, how can you tell the difference?" Needabeach responds.
"Uh, you're right. I'm just worried they're getting into some more trouble. Rose didn't do the job we paid her to do." Margarita explains.
"Don't blame Rose. Those guys can't be controlled. She knew what she was getting into. She's Canadian for the Queens sake. Hell, those people eat moose and have mad cows." Needabeach reponds.
"You know what Marco asked me the other day?" asks Margarita.
"What?" Needabeach replies.
"You know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!"
"I'm going to neuter those two when they come back." Needabeach exclaims.
With that they call Executive Rent-a-car and order a new vehicle.
"You have any Mercedes?" Needabeach asks.
Back to the three stooges in the Roo……
"Aieeee!! Ariba, ariba, ariba!!!" Lazaro yells out the window to the travelers on the road the heading south out of Tulum.
"We need to stop and get some more cerveza Lazaro." The Hawk says. "Marco can't shut his mouth! You want some of these mushrooms I got? They're delicious."
"Sure." says Lazaro. "I'm hungry."
The Hawk pulls some mushrooms from the LocoGringo.com koozie and Lazaro takes a handful and chomps down. Soon they pull over and stock up on cerveza. They fill the back of the pimped out Hummer (aka Lazaro’s love truck) up with everything in the store, buy a bunch of snacks and head off.
It's dark now as they head to The Hawks friend's casa. Hazards Villa. He can take them to the reef on the map Hawk has in his LocoGringo.com LGoozie. Lazaro is flying across the bridge.
As soon as he hits the Sian Ka'an reserve he sees a log across the road. He jams on the brakes and soon the truck is surrounded by bandits. The leader comes forward and points a small pistol at Lazaro. The others stand behind him with machetes in hand.
Marco says, " I really gotta to go to the bano Hawk."
"Uh, we got a problem here Marco. Hold it a little longer,” replies Hawk.
The leader of the bandits approaches Lazaro and points his pistola at him.
"Salida," the leader says.
Lazaro reaches under his seat. He pulls a lever and a Colt Magnum .44 long barrel falls in his hand. He points it at the leader.
"Gun! That's not a stinkin' gun! Now this is a gun!" As he shoves it in this face.
The bandito leader, eyes wide open, falls back away from Lazaro.
"I really gotta go Hawk." Marco says.
Well get out and go then," replies Hawk.
Lazaro says to Hawk, "Push that latch under the seat."
A gun pops down in his hand. It's a .357. The Hawk jumps out of the front seat the same time Lazaro does. All the banditos jump back.
Lazaro starts yelling at them to drop their weapons. The Hawk just starts shooting rounds into the ground all around them.
"Seriously, I really gotta go Hawk," Marco whines.
"Drop your pants and just go right there Marco." The Hawk yells.
Marco squats down as a Mexican stand off takes place.
The bandits move back but don't leave.
Finally, Lazaro shoots the gun out of the leaders hand. Soon after an excruciating smell permeates the air. All the banditos grab their noses and drop their weapons. They run back into the Mangrove swamp.
"Way to go Marco." The Hawk says. "You stunk them out of here."
"You got any TP Lazaro?" A relieved Marco asks.
"Can't we leave him here Hawk? He is one smelly mess." Lazaro asks.
Suddenly, the 'shrooms swerl to Lazaro's brain. "Whoooooaaa!" Lazaro says. "Those shrooms just hit me."
The Hawk pulls out some LocoGringo.com TP and gives it to Marco. Fortunately he has some LocoGringo.com Ozium and he starts spraying the truck.
"We are not leaving Marco. He's my bud!! That LocoGringo.com Imodium isn't worth a crap. It's not his fault." The Hawk explains.
"Whoooo. There are Harpies flying around the Hummer Hawk!" Lazaro says.
"Ok, Give me the gun before you shoot yourself. I'll drive from here on. Get the i&%*%*% in the car Marco. You're gonna kill all the animals in the preserve," The Hawk says.
The Hawk finally gets Lazaro and Marco in the truck. He moves the log out of the road and they head off to Hazards.
Tangental yes! Danger involved? You bet! Marco and The Hawk along with Lazaro now head for the mystery and adventure in search for the Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku.
Next time! Hazard’s Villa!!
In the previous episode of Marco and The Hawk on the Roo: In Search of the Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku, the boys had run there car through the front of the LocoGringo.com Superstore, stolen Needabeach's and Margarita's driver Lazaro and had an altercation with banditos along the Coba road towards Punta Allen.
The Hawk has now gotten Marco and Lazaro stoned on mushrooms Cherry Garcia gave him and regrets ever getting those loco's in that condition. Both have become uncontrollable. Marco has gotten the revenge of Montezuma and Lazaro still has a gun in his hand.
"You got those Depends on Marco?" The Hawk asks as he speeds towards Hazard’s Villa.
Lazaro fires a shot out of the passenger window of the Hummer. Baboom.
"Holy Hunab Ku Lazaro. I almost soiled my shorts." Hawk yells.
"Uh, Hawk, I just soiled my Depends." Marco offers from the back seat.
"Oh man, put that mini cannon away Lazaro," screeches The Hawk!
"I got one of those Harpie's Hawk," exclaims Lazaro.
"You shot a Mangrove tree you twit,” The Hawk says with disgust.
"Hawk, I just soiled my Depends." Marco wines.
"You don't have to tell us Marco. We know. Don't you have masks that drop out of the roof for these emergencies Lazaro?" Hawk asks.
Baboom!! Lazaro lets another shot go.
The Hawk jumps on the brakes and Marco flies forward into the front seat and hits the CD changer.
The Hawk jumps out of the car and yells at both Lazaro and Marco."Get out of there, both of you!!"
Lazaro gets out, gun in hand, and The Hawk goes for him. "Give me the cannon Lazaro before you hurt someone,” demands The Hawk.
Lazaro goes to hand The Hawk the gun and it goes off, shooting directly between The Hawks legs and barely missing his 'special purpose'.
"Cowabunga cowboy," The Hawk says and snatches the gun from his hand. "You almost ruined Needabeach's vacation!"
Marco staggers from the Hummer with an imprint of Sony back words on his forehead and the volume control to the CD in his nose. He's hit the eject button also and has a Santana CD stuck in his teeth.
"Ith ned a nw Depeths," Marco says spitting out pieces of plastic.
"Here, take these LocoGringo.com baby wipes and go clean yourself up. And I ain't putting another Depends on you. Go take the whole bottle of these stinking LocoGringo.com Imodium and get yourself under control. This is getting old." Hawk says, holding his nose and moving away from Marco.
The Hawk has gotten Lazaro's gun and put it back in the quick release under the seat.
Marco is laying on the beach, stunned due to his injuries and other indulgences when a beautiful partially naked woman is leaning over Marco, poking him with a stick, as he lays half in and half out of the surf on Hazards beach.
"This one's still alive," she yells back to her other partially naked friends sunning on the shore.
"Mommy!" Marco says as he opens one eye. He reaches up and grabs both of her bulbulos breasts.
The Englishwoman jumps back and swats Marco with her stick up side his head.
"You damn fresh Americans. What type of woman do you think I am?"
"Mommy, feed Marco,” he mumbles.
Now The Hawk and Lazaro stagger out of their beach Cabana. As soon as Lazaro's eyes focus, he sees the English girls and goes straight for them.
"Aiieeeee. Ariba, ariba, ariba,” Lazaro is screaming as he is running towards the girls.
The English women see Lazaro, the handsome Spanish stud, and immediately surround him. Slim pickens' on the Roo so far they think. All they've found were married. Now they may have a real man to meet their needs.
The Hawk goes to drag Marco out of the surf before he drowns. He picks him up by his LocoGringo.com baseball shirt and throws him into deeper water. He then follows and swirls him again like a washing machine.
"Wash off Marco," Hawk says, dragging Marco around in the surf. "We've got things to do today."
Marco spits out seawater and starts rubbing all the residue from his body.
A Mako shark far off the reef gets Marco’s scent. The shark’s small brain tells him that his brother’s killers are close by. He moves in over the reef going straight to shore-straight towards the three stooges in the Roo.
Now Lazaro, the beach shark, has gotten all the Englishwomen around him and is telling them daring tales of the Roo about bandits and bounty and adventures taken, some true and some straight from fantasy island.
When Marco walks naked from the surf and heads to the beach shower. One Englishwoman looks back and sees him. She pokes the rest to turn and look.
In unison they all say "Oooooo. El Longo."
"Go back to what you were doing ladies. El Longo is spoken for!" The Hawk yells across the beach to them.
"We're almost to Hazards Villa my mudo and mudo'er friends,” The Hawk says. “And keep driving small mouse man….did I tell you that I have seen buzzards?”
“Buzzards? Where are the buzzards? Give me my gun back Hawk!" Lazaro, the small mouse man squeaks.
"Hazard, we have arrived, it is good to see you my friend," The Hawk yells to his friend while walking up the path to the villa.
Hazard is standing on the kitchen patio above and yells at Hawk. "By any chance is that your Hummer parked over the top of my chicken coop?"
The Hawk turns and says, "No, that's Lazaro's."
"Aiiieeee. Ariba, ariba, ariba." Lazaro yells as all the Englishwomen follow him into the Cabana.
"Ok,Ok." The Hawk says as he reaches in their LocoGringo.com backpack for some more $100's. "I'll take care of it Hazard."
"For Hunab Ku's sake Hawk, get Marco some clothes. He's scaring the kitchen staff."
Are there any eggs left for breakfast? Will poco be on the menu tonight? Has the effect of the mushrooms carried over to Lazaro and Marco? Will Marco's 'revenge' ever pass and has he taken maybe too much Imodium now? Is another Mako following Marco? And exactly who is Hazard?
The Legend of 'Marco and The Hawk on the Roo' : Last episode the boys landed on the beach at Hazard's Villa on the road to Punta Allen. Their driver, Lazaro, is developing further international relationships with the English.
"Here Marco," Hazard offers, "Take this Grape seed extract, some vitamin B, some charcoal pills, some more pro-biotics (whatever the hell they are?), some Cipro and some vitamins mixed in this yogurt and eat it."
"Blend it in with some Don Julio Real , would ya Hazard?" Marco responds with a joker's grin on his face.
Hazard stands behind the bar. It's made from a sailboat, except the bottom flooring, which has taps for the cerveza's underneath, offered up to meet the customers needs. Hazard ran the boat up on the reef in the Hurricane of 19 something, something and waded ashore. He looked around and said this was where he wanted to live for the rest of his days and bought the property from a local hoping to cash out into better things in the city. Some say Hazard is a pirate. Others say he is a saint. Only a few like The Hawk know the truth.
"Descorchar," The Hawk motions to Hazard handing him a bottle of wine. "Mutuo vino," The Hawk says.
Hazard pours the wine in some LocoGringo.com glasses.
"This time I have found it Hazard!" The Hawk hands him a mangled map.
Marco gulps down his potion with the Don Julio like a kid who just got his first chocolate milk shake.
"Marco Antonio's Merlot from 1993." Hazard says. "My favorite Hawk. How many cases can you get me into the country."
"An order is hitting Punta Allen in two days Hazard." The Hawk says, straightening out the map on the bar. "It'll be off the ship and into your warehouse by the end of the week. There's some good stuff including a new Margarita white you'll like."
"Great, because Kay at LocoGringo.com won't quit calling." Hazard tells him.
"Well, uh, she can wait a day or two. We left her some bigger problems to deal with." Hawk replies.
"Don't tell me! I don't even want her to know we're friends." Hazard explains.
"Ya got any more Julio, Hazard?" Marco asks from the end of the bar.
"I see the English nurses got you all cleaned up Marco." Hazard says pouring another glass.
"Oh, is that who those mermaids were." Marco answers.
"Glad to see the 'shrooms wore off little buddy. How's your tummy?" asks Hazard.
"Marco feel good. Marco strong again. Marco talk like Tarzan."
"More like Cheetah. Sip the Real and relax compadre." Hawk replies as he turns back towards Hazard. "See this spot?" Hawk points on the map. "You know where this is Hazard?"
"Oh yea! You don't want to go there Hawk." Hazard says, filling Hawks cerveza. "The Mayans call that, lets see, how would I translate, um, the twister in the sea."
"Whatayamean?" Hawk asks.
"It's a cenote hole off the coast that is said to suck passing ships to their doom at the bottom of the ocean or maybe further. At least that's the legend. All locals won't go near it." Hazard says.
"What about scientists?" Hawk asks back.
"Oh, it sucks scientists in just as well. That's why you've never heard about it." Hazard explains.
"Those mermaids were nice. Can I get another bath with them?" Marco chirps in.
"Not now, later Marco. We've got business to do," The Hawk tells him.
"Look. Just get me the dive equipment and a boat and point us in the right direction. I'm sure that the Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku is there," Hawk explains to Hazard.
"I'll get it, but leave me your cell phones so I can call Needabeach and Margarita and tell them to make arrangements," Hazard says.
"Aieeeeeee! Ariba,ariba,ariba!" Lazaro yells as he walks into the bar surrounded by an English bevy of beauties. "Have you met my wet nurses Hawk?" asks Lazaro.
"Those are the mermaids, but why have they have legs now?" Marco yells.
"You have a chicken coop to build today." Hazard says to Lazaro.
"Chicken coop? Chicken poop? I don't know nothing 'bout no chicken coop." Lazaro explains.
The English nurses all gather around Marco. "Ooooo, el longo." They coo.
"Just have the boat ready Hazard. We're going in the morning," The Hawk says trying to change the subject.
"Don't tell Margarita about this Hawk." Marco begs.
"Oh, I wouldn't tell Margarita buddy." The Hawk says and grabs his video cell phone and starts snapping pictures.
"I'll have it all together Hawk," Hazard says reaching his hand over the bar. "Been nice knowing ya!"
Lazaro punches the juke box. "Aieeee. Ariba, ariba, ariba!" He yells as he trips the floor fandango.
Somewhere off the reef a Mako is waiting for Marco. Preparations have been made and deals struck. Margarita and Needabeach are at the internet Cafe' having their kitchens totally remodeled before their trip is over. Kay is fuming, a bottle of Marco Antonio Merlot in hand, swigging hard and telling Gary how The Hawk and Marco destroyed the front of the Superstore in Tulum as they make their way to the monkey jungleplace. Rose is passed out on a palapa bar mumbling what sounds to be French swear words. LGoozie pictures are being snapped around the globe.
Next time Marco and The Hawk go into 'the twister of the sea'!!!!
In the last episode Marco and The Hawk were getting ready for their excursion in search of the Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku.
The guys wake up and, with no words said between them, roll out of their beds and head straight to the bar. Hazard has gone to Punta Allen to acquire the boat and gear. The bartender sees them coming and immediately pulls some cerveza from the ice chest and grabs a bottle of Don Julio along with glasses.
"Breakfast boys?" she laughs at the two scraggly pero people she sees.
The Hawk turns toward Marco, "If she yells again smack her for me, will ya?"
"Quit yelling at me Hawk before I smack ya!"
"Ya know Marco, there's a reason your mother tied a pork chop around your neck so the dog would play with you. You can be down right hostile sometimes," The Hawk replies.
"Go take your meds Hawk, my head hurts." Marco tells Hawk.
The Hawk throws a leg over a bar stool and says, "Hey barkeep, ya got a pork shop back there?"
Marco lands on the stool and shoots down the glass of Don Julio and then hits the cerveza.
"You might wanna go a little light on that. We're going for a boat ride today." The Hawk tells Marco.
Marco motions the bartender Cherrie for a refill, "Your dad leave this morning Cherrie?"
"Bright and early," she replied "and he'll be back by noon he said."
The Hawk grabs the LocoGringo.com backpack he's got, which he was awarded for free after 3,000 posts regarding the best nude beaches of the Roo.
The Hawk now lays out an entire plastic array of pills in what looks like a fishing tackle lure container.
"What'll ya have Marco?" The Hawk asks.
"Give me a Percodan, one of every vitamin and a Viagra,” Marco replies.
"What? You think a hard-on is gonna get rid of a headache?" Hawk asks.
"No, but it will give me something to do for a while. Besides, those things are like speed. They get your heart started in the morning." Marco explains.
The Hawk picks out and hands Marco what must be at least 20 pills. "I told you I'm low on the Viagra." Hawks says.
"Yea, but you've got plenty of Cialis so quit your bitchin," Marco quips.
"Aieeeeeeeee, Ariba,Ariba,Ariba!!!!!!!!!!!" The voice of Lazaro is heard as he comes in from the beach.
The Hawk almost spills the entire pillbox of meds on the floor!
"Dammit Lazaro, we've got hangovers! Shut the &)(*$ up!!!" The Hawk screeches!
"Cherrie, you got a gun back there?" Marco asks.
"Hey amigos," Lazaro whispers as he grabs The Hawk with one arm and Marco with the other arm around their necks. "What are you taking?" he asks as he stares at the contents of the pillbox.
"Some vitamins. Here have some." The Hawk offers as he pulls out four Cialis from his container.
Next, The Hawk pulls an impressive array of pills from almost every section of his container. His hand is full as he reaches up and dumps them in his mouth. He follows this with a glass of tequila and a cerveza. "Ahhhhhh. Breakfast of champions,” the Hawk proudly utters.
"It'd be easier to make a list of what you don't take that what you do take Hawk," Marco says.
"Back talking your source isn't going to get you far this trip Marco," The Hawk firmly reminds him.
"Na,ya,hm, sorry Hawk. Now what else have you got for me?" asks Marco.
Hawk reaches into his Locogringo.com koozie and pulls out his map. He lays this across the bar for both Marco and Lazaro to see.
"I got adventure," The Hawk says.
"Where do I fit in to all this Hawk?" Lazaro asks.
"We need you mainland mate." Hawk explains. "I've got LocoGringo.com GPS locator watches. You may have to come pick us up somewhere. Right now, we just don't know where."
"You're finally going to get us killed, aren't you Hawk?" Marco exclaims.
"This time I know that I'm right. We are going to get the Crystal Skull." Hawk snaps back.
Lazaro hears this and nervously taps his feet on the floor. "OK, OK I'll stay mainland. I'm getting the nurses to wash the Hummer so I'll be ready for you anytime you need."
"Well in a half hour your're gonna be ready for the nurses anytime they need so that seems a fair trade." Hawk tells Lazaro.
After a huge breakfast out on the patio, Marco and The Hawk see Hazard approaching from the south in a boat that looks like he just picked up at the scrap yard. They order two more XX's and head off for the dock.
As they approach Hazard is out of the boat and tying it off to the pilons. "Where'd you buy this frickin' boat, Goodwill?" Hawk jeers.
"After the rental and deposit on the diving gear, this was all I had left. It'll do, I promise,” Hazard states. ”Where you’re going, it may not matter anyway."
"We need at least a case of beer." Marko says to no one in particular.
"What's all the water in the bottom?" Hawk asks, astonished.
"There's a few leaks or so," Hazard tells him.
"Whata ya mean it may not matter where we're going? Where are we going?" Marco asks now getting a little concerned.
"Hey, Mr. short term memory loss, we've been over this. Have Cherrie get the beer down here and make yourself useful," Hawk tells Marco.
"Ya see that plug in the back of the boat Hawk? Just getter' up to speeda and open the plug. All the water will just go out," Hazard says.
"Yea, yea, yea. I got it. Where the hell you think I grew up, Alaska or something? I've spent more time on the water than Rose has spent posting on LocoGringo.com," The Hawk quips.
"Lets hit the high seas Hawk," Marco yells in his high pitched voice!
The Hawk grabs a cerveza and toasts, "To the Crystal Skull!” as Marco steps down into the boat he falls overboard.
The boat is being made ready, the LocoGringo.com GPS locators have been handed out, the cerveza is getting ordered and The Hawk and Marco are ready to take off to the 'twister of the sea' in search of the Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku.
LOUD VOICE: Adventure, Excitement, Perversion!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be there, Be there, Be there!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lazaro has taken four Cialis and quickly got out of control. He's playing pin the tail on the English nurse, so naked English nurses are running all over the beach. Marco stepped into the boat and fell overboard and The Hawk is trying to be sure all their arrangements and equipment is ready.
Marco pulls himself up into the boat.
"Watch that first step Hawk, it's a LuLu," Marco warns.
The Hawk starts handing Marco their backpack, LocoGringo.com Koozies, a case of XX's and three bottles of Don Julio. "This should be enough for the afternoon, right Marco?"
"This boat is going to sink, you know that Hawk?"
"Marco, there you go again with 'stinkin thinkin'. We'll be back with the Crystal Skull by nightfall."
"Hey Hazard, if we don't come back, call Margarita and tell her I love her, will ya?” Marco asks.
"Let" go!" The Hawks says and starts the engines.
Marco and The Hawk take off south, over the reef, to a landmark they have read on the map. Hazard has told them the local fishermen won't go near this spot. It is called 'the twister of the sea' and fishermen have been sucked to the bottom of the ocean and never seen from again.
"Pull that plug in the back Marco so we can get this water out of the boat,” Hawk orders.
Marco goes to the back and twists the plug out. As they speed along the reef the water is drained from the boat. Suddenly Marco looses his footing and falls overboard. The Hawk hears screaming and looks back to see no Marco in the boat. He turns the boat around and heads back to pick 'El Longo' up. Soon he idles next to him.
"Do I have to tie you in the boat like a little kid Marco?" Hawk asks as Marco is trying to get his large ass in the boat.
"It was slippery Hawk”
As they sit still the boat starts filling with water from the hole not plugged in the transome.
"Where's the plug Marco?"
"I dropped it when I fell overboard."
"Oh great, we'll sink in about 5 minutes."
Marco finally gets his lard ass in the boat, "Well let’s go and drain this sucker."
The Hawk hits the throttle and they take off. The boat drains again. Suddenly they see the swirling water up ahead.
"Get your gear on Marko, we're going diving,” The Hawk says with excitement!
"We're gonna die Hawk," Marco says in his girly voice as they are covered with water.
"Just another day in paradise," The Hawk says as they both go under.
Is this Marco and The Hawks last day on earth? Is the map correct? The Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku is below? Tune in tomorrow and find out what happens!!!!
We left our dynamic duo approaching the swirling water. They both grab a hold of their boat and are sinking.
They are being sucked to the bottom of the ocean. They put on all their diving gear and cover their backpack in plastic to keep it dry. Slowly the boat sinks out from under them and is sucked to the bottom. Tequila and cerveza bottles descend into the blue water.
Downward Marco and The Hawk spiraled, the beer, the boat and the Don Julio all around them. The decent was slow but consistent. Marco and The Hawk adjusted their ears with the depth and counted the feet to 20,40 60. Approaching 80 feet they see the entrance through what looks like the top of a volcano. They are slowly drawn in. They watch their gear settle down into a sandy bottom below. As they enter they notice stairs going up into one side of the orifice. Marco motions to The Hawk to follow. They come to the stairs and follow them up a few feet into an opening. They clear the water as they rise to the surface.
"Holy crap Hawk, a sea cave," Marco says.
"Marco, look! There's a tunnel above. Let's go through the hole,” The Hawk suggests.
"Ok, but hold on a minute," and Marco goes back into the water. He comes up in a few minutes with cervezas tied to his waist band and three bottles of Don Julio in his hands.
"Here Hawk, we may need these."
"You always were a good Bar Back Marco,” The Hawk mumbles under his breath. "The backpack. Go after that Marco."
"Is this the crap Needabeach has to listen to all day? It's no wonder she's out shopping to get away from you?” Marco asks as he heads in the water to get the backpack. Then it dawns on him, he knows The Hawk needs his meds and he doesn't want to be around him if he misses any. He dives down and comes back in a minute.
They take their tanks and belts off and grab the booze before they start heading into the tunnel. They keep their LocoGringo.com Headband Lights on and move forward. As they round a corner they see a door.
"Are you believing this Hawk?"
"Hell, no one will believe this!"
Hawk reaches for an elaborate handle and opens the door. Light pours back out onto them.
"What the...........???" Both The Hawk and Marco say as the door opens into a huge area the size of a football field. Globes of all sizes are stuck into ledges and light the room entirely.
"If we don't die today it will be a miracle."
"Quit that talk Marco or I'll feed your dolls to the dogs again."
"They're sports action figures Hawk. Don't give me any caca. And besides Hawk, you still owe me John Elway."
"Sports action figures, dolls, whatever. I don't want no more stinkin' thinkin' Marco. We ain't dead yet," The Hawk reminds Marco.
They continue walking into the room. It's filled with pirate loot of gold and jewels but also paraphernalia of all types, from boats, through the history of man.
"A collector, just like you Marco. Maybe we'll see," Hawk uses his hands to form quotations in the air, "some Sports Action Figures."
"Very (%^%$ funny. I need some Julio," Marco says and sits on a chest of jewels.
Hawk cracks open a cerveza, "Maybe there's a 'John Elway'." and joins him.
"There might be. There's sure a lot of bounty down here,’ Marco says looking around the cavern.
"This cave goes back quite a ways Marco. It could go all the way into the Sian Ka'an."
"We better hope so. We'll never get to the water surface the other way." Marco says as he sips the tequila.
"Welcome to the Temple of Hunab Ku." A voice echoes through the carvern.
"Drink fast if you don't want to share Marco,” the Hawk advises, “Cause we got company!"
"Margarita tells me, 'Don't go with Hawk', 'The Hawks crazy', 'Don't go near that coot', but do I listen, NOooooooooo."
The Hawk, thinking quickly, grabs the two remaining bottles of Don Julio and says, "We come bearing gifts," and holds them high!
"Ah, Don Julio, my favorite. And Real, premium aged, the best. You may enter. Follow the path further so we shall meet,” the voice says.
"I think I just wet my wet suit Hawk."
"Damn, I never should have given you those estrogen tablets. I should have left you with Margarita and Needabeach so you could go shopping for bathing suits together," Hawk grumbles at him.
"Anything that lives down here can't be from our planet Hawk!"
"Finish wetting your suit and lets go." Hawk replies.
They gather up their gear and start going down a path.
Onward for adventure and the search for The Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku.
Should Needabeach and Margarita make funeral plans? Should Hazard get together a search team? Are the boys lost forever and how will they ever get by sharing the Don Julio? Who's behind the mysterious voice and where does it come from? Will Lazaro ever get it 'back down' again? How much can four English nurses take?
Danger lurks!! Tune in next time for the story of Marco and The Hawk on the Roo: In search of The Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku!!!!!!!!
Last we left, our adventurers had been sucked downwards by the 'Twister of the sea' into a hole at the bottom of the ocean. Marco and The Hawk were drawn into a cavern of lights and riches that reached back into darkness. A voice had come forth welcoming them to the Temple of the Hunab Ku. Bottles of Don Julio in hand the boys cautiously move forward.
"There's a lot of 'bling-bling' here Hawk. We better grab some of this for the ladies." Marco says picking up necklaces, rings and broaches.
"Not till I get that Crystal Skull first Marco!" Hawk snaps back.
A voice beckons them deeper, "Bring me your Don Julio if you want to live any longer."
"You got us in deep dung pie now Hawk. What's this 'live any longer?" Marco asks in his high pitched voice.
"I think it's just a figure of speech Marco." Hawk replies. "Don't worry so much."
"No, I'm going to kill you," comes from the darkness.
I want to see you get us out of this one." Marco says to The Hawk. "You're the one who begged me to come along. 'Oh Hawk, these women are driving me crazy. If I have to shop for women’s clothing any longer I'm going to shoot myself.”
Well I bet you wish you were at the mall right now, don't ya sweetie." Hawk clamors back at Marco. "And I heard about you sneeking in and trying on the ladies thongs." Hawk adds.
"Who told you that?" Marco protests.
"So it is true then!" The voice from the darkness says.
"You too!!!!!" Marco exclaims.
"You got thongs on now Marco?" The Hawk asks.
"No friggin' way." Shouts Marco.
"What color you wearing today?" Asks the voice in the darkness.
"Get me out a here!!!" Marco screams in his high pitched girly voice.
After passing chests of treasure and loot from ships, most ancient, but some from over the last century, the light to the end of the tunnel appears. On a large throne some object rests covered in cloaks of hemp with interwoven pearls.
"Where's my Julio?" The voice asks.
Marco and The Hawk approach with bottles in hand.
"You want to try the pearl skirt on Marco?” Hawk asks facetiously.
"That's my coat." says the voice sternly.
A figure comes forward and the light shines down from above. It's a man wearing a thong!
"Here have a drink!" The Hawk says handing the bottle forward.
Marco observes this thonged man saying, " Who are you anyway, and where'd you get that beautiful thong?"
The voice replies "They call me Hunab Ku but my real name is Echo."
"Echo?" Marco and The Hawk say in unison.
"Yes, Echo. Sit and let's drink and I will tell you." Echo says as they spread out on the steps of the throne. "It's been a long time since I've had visitors.500 years ago, next week, my Tour Spaceship, from Omega 9 left me in this jungle. We were at this All Inclusive up the road those crazy Mayans built. Maybe you've seen it. Well, anyway, they dropped us off for a day tour of the reef and left me behind, swimming in the water."
"I saw this movie, didn't you Hawk?" Marco interjects.
"Shut it and let him tell us Marco."
"So anyway, after the Ship flew off, the Mayans took care of me and wouldn't let me do without anything. They're great hosts and took to calling me, Hunab Ku. I guess they thought I was a god or something."
"Oh, the caca's getting deep now Marco. Do you believe this?"
"So you can actually tell if I have a thong on?" Marco asks Echo sheepishly.
"Purple Princes, right?" Echo asks Marco.
Marco turns beet red and takes to chugging the Don Julio.
"So, let me get this straight. You're from another galaxy?" Hawk asks.
"Yea, we come hear every year, or in your time period, every 1,000 years, to vacation. The Mayans love us. We trade them these Crystal Skulls and it makes them happy." Echo says and reaches behind him and pulls a skull from a chest on the steps.
"Aaahhhhhhh!!!! The Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku." Hawk exclaims.
"You want one. Here have this one," Echo says.
The Hawk holds the skull with a gleam in his eye. He's finally found what he's looking for.
"What's this kill you deal Echo?" Marco asks.
"Just kidding there. I've been dying for a bottle of Don Julio. This cheap Rum gets old. Besides, I'd never hurt a man who wears a thong like myself. Marco, isn't it." Echo says.
"Yea, it's Marco. But lets keep this thong buddy business between you and me, ok."
"Thong buddies till the death, alright Marco," Echo toasts.
"Haaawwkkk, I'm going to kill you." Marco screams which echos through the cave.
"Quit complaining Marco. I'll get you a new thong when we get out of this,” Hawk promises.
Echo, Marco and The Hawk continue drinking their Don Julio.
On the beach, not far away, an exhausted Lazaro sleeps off the effects of debauchery and nubian bliss. His GPS locator watch is holding the fate of Marco and The Hawk on his wrist. A local pero stops by and licks at his cerveza soaked Speedo's.
Hazard makes a call to Needabeach and Margarita to tell them their inebriated husbands have been lost at sea.
What does this all mean? Will Marco and The Hawk get out of the Temple of the Hunab Ku, or Echo as we now know him now? Why is Echo in the cave? Is there no way out? Exactly when were thongs introduced to the world? And how many, of what colors, does Marco have in his drawers at home? The twist and turns of the Legend of Marco and The Hawk on the Roo continue next time.
LOUD VOICE!!!!! Be there, be there, be there!!!!!!
Last we left, our demented duo had been sucked into a cave at the bottom of the sea. There they found Echo, an alien from Omega 9, who's Tour Spaceship, had left him behind 500 years ago visiting the Mayans on the Roo. Marco and Echo, whom the Mayans called Hunab Ku, were forming a Thong buddies relationship. Hawk had finally gotten his crystal skull.
Marco turns to The Hawk and says, "OK, this is getting too weird. I'm not going to be in Echo's Thong Buddy Club. This nut job’s been stuck down here too long. We got to find a way out of here."
"Hey, my little thong buddy, com'ere," Echo says with his arms open.
"Yea, yea. In a minute." Marco replies. "What are you going to do about this Hawk?" He asks.
"Well first, we'll need to get to Tulum and get some jackets embroidered. I was thinking pink with Thong Buddies Club on the back. We'll get 'I'm a Wussy' sewn on your front pocket."
"I'm gonna shove that skull up your........" Marco says before being cut off.
"What are you two talking about?" Echo asks. "You ain't planning to go anywhere, are you?"
"No, we were just talking about thongs for your birthday," Hawk replies.
"How'd you know it's my birthday today?" Echo questions.
Marco murmurs to Hawk," What kind of BS you telling this guy? He said he'd kill us a little while ago!"
"Oh look at him Marco. If this guy isn't a fruit bat then you're momma weighs less than 200 pounds. Hell, even you could kick his ass!"
"Leave my momma out of this,” whimpers Marco.
"What? You gonna cry if I do?" jeers Hawk.
"I'm kicking your ass right now Hawk."
Marco goes straight for Hawk's throat. He's got a firm grip and is picking The Hawk up in the air when Echo intercedes. "Where's my birthday present?" Echo's deep voice reverberates the cave.
The Hawk is swinging in the air and Marco throttles him around. "Take back what you said about my momma!" Marco demands. "Thngs,thngs," The Hawk chokes out, "Ekue! kwel us." Marco lets go of Hawk and turns to Echo.
Again Echo asks, “Where's my birthday present?”
"I'll come back to you Hawk. Just shut your yap." Marco says as he turns around.
"OK, Echo. I'll get you something."
Marco walks over to their backpack and unzips a side pocket. Inside is a locked container. He pulls it from the bag. He rolls the coded wheel to the combination and opens the box. He pulls out a thong and hands it to Echo.
"Here, happy birthday Echo."
"Yea, happy birthday Echo," The Hawk adds rubbing his throat.
Echo holds his new thong up. "Ooooo, yellow, my fave. And what's this writing say on the front? 'LocoGringo.com'! Hmm, what is that?"
"Oh, it's this web site that people go to and get so addicted they can't get any work done." Marco explains.
"I must see this. What is work?" Echo asks.
"Look, we ain't no Mr. Rogers here, Echo." The Hawk says clutching to his crystal skull. "If you show us the way out we'll take you with us and you can ask any questions you want."
Marco turns to Hawk. "That reminds me. Did you see that thread on the Edge about ......" Hawk cuts him off. "I'm gonna thread my foot up your behind if you grab me again Marco."
"Hey, Echo's happy," Marco states the obvious.
Echo is pulling off his Speedos and is putting on his new thong.
"El Menudo." Marco and The Hawk say in unison!
The Hawk starts laughing. "Marco, I knew you had thongs stashed somewhere."
Marco snaps back, "I'm gonna choke you out if you say any more."
"Remember how bad I choked last time we went to your Mom's house for dinner. The dog, under the table, wouldn't even touch it. I had to dump it in Needabeache’s purse to get out of there!"
Marco grabs The Hawk by the throat. "Leave my mother out of this you #@&^*&%((^#."
"There is no way out." Echo says as he adjusts his thong.
Marco stops in his tracks and lets go of The Hawk. "No Way out?"
"No way out." Echo repeats.
"What kind of a frigging alien are you anyway Echo? Haven't you ever seen Star Trek or Star Wars?" The Hawk questions. "Beam our butts up to the surface or something."
"Star what?" Echo asks.
"Oh great, now here we go all Mr. Rogers again." Marco adds.
"I told you this guy was a fruit bat Marco."
Rinnnngg.Rinnnnnngggg. A cell phone at the other end plays LocoGringo's like to party and Needabeach picks up the call.
"Yello."
"Needa? This is Hazard. Slight problem here."
"What the heck. Is Hawk down there?"
"Well, he was. He went diving with Marco."
"I'm gonna kill him. We're stuck here in Tulum because there's no more rental
cars and he wrecked the last one. He stole our driver, Lazaro, too!"
"Uh, Lazaro is here," Hazard says.
"oooaoaaoao. I'm gonna step on that little mouse!"
"Back to the problem Needa. They've been gone for over 6 hours. We think they've been lost at sea."
"Awe, The Hawk is always lost without me there. I'm sure he'll show up," Needa says without worry.
"Well, Needa, fisherman saw the boat sink into the 'twister of the sea," Hazard says concern in his voice.
"Hey, Margarita, this is a good one!" Needa yells in the background. Hazard listens in, "Those idiots are lost at sea." She turns back to the phone. "Alright Hazard, I've been through this drill before. Tell Lazaro to go to Code Blue. I'll be down there tomorrow. There's a party at the Lol Ha tonight I can't miss!"
"See ya tomorrow Needa." And Hazard hangs up.
Lazaro has the four English nurses naked in the pool when Hazard approaches.
"Needa said go to Code Blue Lazaro."
"Dammit. I've got Thong Inspection Team Specialists training at the ABR tomorrow,” Lazaro says.
"Lazaro, I'll call Whale to do the T.I.T.S. training. You gotta find Marco and The Hawk,” Hazard says firmly.
"Aaiiiiieeeeeeee. Ariba, ariba, ariba. Andale, andale, andale." Lazaro yells as he herds the Brits to his cabana. “I'll get to finding mi amigos." Lazaro yells back to Hazard. He turns back to the Nurses. "Sponge baths for everyone!!"
Whale is in his room at the ABR sorting through his camera equipment when the phone rings. "Hello, Whale here.”
"Whale. This is Needa. We're stuck in Tulum and need to go to Hazard's. Can you grab Gale and come get us."
"Well, Needa I just got a call and I need to do some T.I.T.S. training. After that I'll come get you."
"Great. We'll be at Charlie's. I'll have the Julio waiting. And some Damiana."
Whoa dudes and dudettes!!!!! The story dynamics are never ending. Now Whale is doing T.I.T.S. training and driving for Needa and Margarita. Lazaro has gone to Code Blue, whatever that means. The Brits are giving sponge baths. And Marco and The Hawk have just been told by Echo that there is no way out of the cave.
Was the search for The Crystal Skull of Hunab Ku in vane?
Is this Marco and The Hawks last episode?
Tune in next time and find out!!!!!
LOUD VOICE: Be there, Be there, Be there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Back to the crass commercialism of LocoGringo.com gift ideas, otherwise know as The Legend of Marco and The Hawk on the Roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Margarita, did you remember to get that nightie for Rose before those idiots crashed into the LocoGringo.com superstore?" Needabeach asks.
"Yea, I gottem'. Now what's Lazaro going to do about my Marco?" Margarita replies.
"Hazards putting him on Code Blue," Needa tells her.
"Lazaro? Lazaro? Oh great!! They're in safe hands now." Margarita snarls facetiously.
"Look, I'll call JX1 and JX2 and see if they can get down there. Don't worry about your 'baby boy', he's an excellent swimmer!" Needa says.
"I'm only worried 'cause he's with HAWK!!!" Margarita yells.
"Margarita," Needa says stunned "You don't think I married well?"
"Hell no!" Margarita says with some back and forth ghetto head shaking thrown in.
"Ok, Ok you're right!!" Needa says unconvincingly.
"Look. Call JX1 and JX2 and get my Romeo Antonio back!" Margarita says.
"Well we certainly can't put the whole LocoGringo.com forum on this rescue. We have some serious partying to get done at the Lol Ha. They're probably already Don Julio'd to the wind by now. We need to get there before the Anejo is gone." Needabeach explains.
"Tell JX1 to come with us and JX2 to make sure that crazy Lazaro doesn't get lost at sea also," Margarita suggests.
Rnnngggg, rrrnnnnng. "JX1, Needa here. We need JX2 to go check on Lazaro. He's at Hazard's. And why don't you pick up Margarita and me for the party at the Lol Ha."
"Great! JX2 has been bugging me for something to do. He's been reading a book on the beach about Xocolati, the naked horsewoman slash medicine woman of the Roo. And he won't keep his hands off me. I've been back and forth to that palapa more times than I can count!"
"Too much information for me JX1. Just pick us up in front of the LocoGringo.com Superstore and we'll head out. And tell JX2 he needs to hurry."
"Gotcha ya Needa. I'll be right there," JX1 says and hangs up.
Lazaro is in a hammock with his Adventurers Handbook trying to find out what the heck Code Blue means. The four British nurses, totally naked now, are rubbing him all over. After his rub down, they have agreed to polish his Hummer.
"Ah, here it is. OOhhh!! This does not look good. Back off ladies. I need to go all Warren Zevon now."
"Warren Zevon?" They ask.
"Send lawyers, guns and money! The caca has hit the fan!" Lazaro says getting up.
Rnnnng. Rnnnnnnggg. Lazaro's phone goes off like a Mexican hat dance on speed.
"Ola, Lazaro here."
"JX2 here. The wife is kicking me out of the casa and said I need to come help you. What's going on?"
"Marco and The Hawk are gone. And I mean gone. The GPS locator isn't picking up a signal." Lazaro explains.
"How do you know they didn't bury their watches in the sand so we can't find them?" JX2 asks.
"Nah! They only do that to the women when they don't want to be found. I'm sure they're lost for now. Get down here and I'll explain."
"Anything you need?" JX2 asks as he does a mental check list.
"Got guns?"
"Check." Lazaro responds.
"Got money?"
"Check." Lazaro again.
"Got Lawyers?"
"No, but I got guns!" Lazaro explains.
"OK, forget the lawyers. I'll be there in an hour." JX2 tells him.
Now Marco's nervous bowel syndrome is coming back after Echo tells him there's no way out of the cave.
"What the hell you been doing down here all these years?" The Hawk starts drilling Echo for information.
Echo has his new LocoGringo.com thong on and is doing a cat walk up and down throne stairs.
"Hawk? Did you put any LocoGringo.com TP in the backpack?" Marco questions.
"Does a squirrel have nuts? If Quintana Roo had 50 states you would have pooped in everyone of them by now. Grab that dynamite when you look in the bag!" Hawk tells Marco.
"The only thing I have been able to get on my transponder all these years is video poker." Echo explains. "You know how to play Texas Hold'em?"
"Well heeiiilll yea!" The Hawk says. "Marco. Grab that deck of cards."
"Well you're never getting out of here so you want to play for all the jewels?"
Echo asks Hawk.
"Well heeiilll yea!," Hawk replies "How much cash I need?"
"Cash? What's cash?" Echo asks him.
"Well, paper money. Oh shoot, you probably never seen it." Hawk says.
"Ya got gold?" Echo questions.
"Nah, no gold. What do you want to trade we would have?" Hawk asks.
"I'll trade you everything for Marco." Echo tells Hawk.
"What?" Marco's ears prick up. "Trade for Marco?"
"Yea. Thong buddies forever Marco." Echo tells him.
"Hawk get over here. NOW!!!" Marco yells in his high pitched girly voice.
"What? Just a little friendly game." The Hawk says sheepishly.
"And you're betting me?" Marco says through clenched teeth.
"Well evidently you're worth a lot to the fruit bat over there," Hawk replies.
"You know how much you lost on video poker this year?" Marco asks.
"Well no, but I think Needabeach has the numbers at home," Hawk replies.
"Don't be a smart mouth Hawk. You lost a small country this year."
"Which country?" Hawk inquires.
"Whatever the country is doesn't matter. You lost a lot." Marco says with veins popping out of his forehead.
"It's all a write off Marco."
"You mean you used our companies money?" Marco screams through his teeth while a blue vein the size of a bull whip jumps out of his neck.
"Hey, it was just some discretionary funds,” The Hawk replies.
Marco is ready to have an aneurism when The Hawk turns back to Echo. "No problem. If I win I get all the bounty. If you win you get Marco."
Just as Marco goes for The Hawks throat his irritable bowel acts up. "Hawwkkkkk!!!!!" Marco screams as his gut purges.
"Stand back Echo, he's gonna blow!" The Hawk screeches. “Whoooaaa!!! Gonna be in some more deep caca soon!”
JX2 is on his way to help Lazaro. Needa, Margarita and JX1 are going to the Lol Ha before ALL the Don Julio is gone. The Hawk is planning on taking Echo for all the bounty he's got and Marco's on the poop deck. What will happen next? Tune in next time for neverending excitement.
LOUD!!! VOICE!!!!! BE there, Be there, Be there!!!!!!!
The Legend of Marco and The Hawk on the Roo continues; hold on to your nighties and knickers cause here we go again……
JX1 has been called to pick up Needabeach and Margarita at the LocoGringo.com Superstore in Tulum. They have a party to be at at the Lol Ha. JX2 has gone to get his souped up golf cart and some weapons to meet up with Lazaro who is in Code Blue for the hopeful rescue of Marco and The Hawk. Marco has irritable bowel syndrome again and The Hawk is going to play poker with Echo for all the gold and jewels in exchange for some good Marco loving.
"You ever play Holdem' Echo." Hawk asks.
"What's Holdem' Hawk?" Echo queries.
"It's a simple game. We each get two cards. Then five community cards are delt face up. Between your two cards and the five face up you must have the best five cards together to win. Ya got it?" Hawk explains.
"And I get to keep Marco if I win, right?"
"Right?"
"What the hell are you doing Hawk? You're horrible at Holdem'. You almost lost our trip money before we got here. And playin' for me? I ain't going along with this. OOOOOOhhhhhhhhh my bowels." Marco says.
"Just get me that World Poker Tour deck out of our Locogringo.com backpack and quit worrying." Hawk tells Marco. "Besides, Echo's getting totally drunk on the Julio," Hawk whispers.
"Hand me that bottle of Don Julio." Echo says.
"See, I told you Marco. Now go stand away from us. I think you're about to blow some serious gas and I don't want to be near it." Hawk tells him.
Marco hands The Hawk the cards and the bottle and moves down the cave. The Imodium has him backed up with bean gas from the dinner the night before.
"Let me deal," Echo says.
"No way. I don't want you pulling some David Blaine tricks on me. You're probably a total shark and just stonewalling." Hawk says. "Here's the Anejo. Take another swig."
The Hawk deals the cards. "What do you want with Marco anyway. You swing both ways?" Hawk asks.
"Naw. I am just supposed to bring a specimen of your people back to my people if we ever get out of here." Echo replies.
"Like put them in a zoo or something?" Hawk asks.
"No, we just need some good breeding stock to keep our population going. Some of men are becoming, let's just say, unable to produce."
"You mean....."
"Yea."
"Well hell we got pills for that now. With all this loot I'll get enough to fill a space ship." The Hawk says with a gleam in his eye.
"Hey, El Longo." The Hawk yells down the cave laughing. "Echo here thinks you'd be good breeding stock."
"Shut your pie hole Hawk! I got some serious problems over here. If this gas don't let go soon I'm going to explode."
The Hawk deals the cards.
"Well there's nothing better to do so let's play." Hawk tells Echo.
"Listen. If you get us out of here you can have half of the loot. I need some jewelry for my girlfriend." Echo tells him.
"You have a girlfriend?" Hawk asks.
"Yea. A Mayan named Xocolatl."
"Hey Hawk!" Marco yells. "I swear I just heard a horse whinny in the distance."
"That may be through the air vent hole. It weaves through the limestone and I've never figured out how it gets in here." Echo explains.
Lazaro is staring at the sea wondering where his friends are. And he says in a sexy low voice, to the sea that swallowed his friends and partners, "Let's dance you Pendejo. I am getting them out of your wet and clear blue beautiful watery grave even if I have to drain you!". And then he yells out a loud "Aaaaeeeeeeeeeee! Arriba! Arriba! Andale!"
"I can't take it anymore Hawk!!! I'm gonna explode!!!!" Marco in the highest pitched girly voice ever.
"Get down on the ground and put your head down with your a$$ in the air. That should help!" Hawk yells back.
Marco gets down on the ground moaning. Ohahhahahooha. Suddenly he feels a explosive release come to the surface. Gas is released at the speed of sound. A sonic explosion begins to take place. The cave begins to vibrate and then shake. The earth is moving and the bounty is falling all over to the floor crashing and adding to the noise. The Hawk and Echo grab their ears in pain. And then it happens. Marco has a total release. Limestone shakes from the ceiling. Chunks fall to the ground below. A fissure in the ceiling begins to open. The earth is shaking the entire Yucatan. New cenotes are developing from Akumal to as far south as Belize. Casa's along the coast begin to shake. The reefs reverberate with waves. Thousands of tourists grab for there glasses so they won't spill. The computers at LocoGringo.com send shivers to the displays of viewers around the world. Gary rocks in his chair as he screams in the phone to expedia.com. All heck is breaking loose and there is no sign of a letup. After what seems like an eternity it finally subsides.
In the seismology lab in Golden, Colorado at The Colorado School of Mines, Whales son, Whale Jr., sees the needles shaking on the seismograph. He goes to try and pin point it's location.
"Damn. There's a big explosion of something in the Yucatan. My Dad's down there doing T.I.T.S. inspections at the ABR." He says to his lab partner.
"Whatever it is it's gonna make inspections difficult. More air bubbles are going to get in those thongs now." His partner says.
Needabeach and Margarita are still waiting for JX1 at the LocoGringo.com Superstore in Tulum. Kay is ordering the workers around to get the wall into the store rebuilt after Marco and The Hawk crashed their car into it.
Now products are falling all over the floor. Glass is breaking and shelves are dumping their contents to the ground.
Kay screams, "Damn The Hawk and Marco. I know they're behind this!"
JX1 is driving down the street when she looses control of the car. She swerves and runs right into the new front wall of the LocoGringo Superstore. Workers are diving out of the way to save their lives.
Finally the shock waves settle down and peace is restored. JX1's car steams from the radiator.
Needabeach pulls some Don Julio out of her purse and hands it to Margarita. "This is gonna be a long day Marg. Have a hit." Needa offers.
"If it's who I think it is we're gonna need something stronger." Margarita replies.
JX1 stumbles from her car. "Give me that bottle girls. That just about killed me."
Needabeach hands JX1 the bottle. She turns to Margarita and whispers.
"Watch out with this one. She can kill a bottle of Julio in five minutes."
"You mean she's a lush?" Margarita whispers back.
"Naw. Just a professional."
Back at the cave an opening has appeared to the surface. The dust is beginning to settle.
"Are you all right?" The Hawk asks Echo stumbling to his feet.
"I've survived worse," Echo replies. "Damn, it stinks in here!"
"You hang around Marco long enough you get used to it," Hawk tells him.
"Hawk!!" Marco says excitedly. "Look. There's an opening above!"
Hawk looks over and there's a hole the size of a basketball in Marco's Speedos.
"Whoa Marco,” The Hawk says in amazement. “Too bad Ripley's wasn't here to record that one!"
A voice comes from above. It's a woman. "Echo? Echo?" The sweet voice echos throughout the cave.
"Xocolat,” Echo calls!
"I knew you'd find me Xocolatl. I love you," Echo yells back.
"What the hell is this, a romance novel?" Hawk says to Marco.
"We're saved Hawk!! We're saved!!" Marco screams like a little girl.
Suddenly a vine is thrown down into the cave. The Hawk immediately goes to retrieve his Crystal Skull Echo gave him. Marco grabs his backpack of LocoGringo.com supplies and medication for The Hawk. One by one they climb the vine to the surface.
"Echo, my love!." Xocolatl whimpers and throws her arms around his neck.
"She's naked as a jay bird Hawk," Marco remarks.
"Whoa, what a nice horse." The Hawk observes. "The vine's around his neck. He pulled us to the surface Marco."
"You're looking at the horse Hawk?"
The Hawk turns to Marco. " Well I'm looking at the horses patoot right now. Man we got to get back to civilization and get you a new suit. I ain't looking at your hairy a$$ hanging out all day. I wonder if the Superstore is opened back up yet. Kay's probably got federales checking the road into Tulum looking for us." The Hawk takes a breath and asks another question "Are you saying we're out of cash?"
Meanwhile a long lost love fest is going on with Echo and Xocolatl.
A GPS locator system picks up the signal back at Hazard’s place.
JX2 has loaded his souped up golf cart with weapons and is heading down the Boca Paila.
Whale is getting tired back at the ABR doing T.I.T.S. inspections as women are lined up down the beach.
Margarita, Needabeach and JX1 are hitting the Julio hard in preparation for the Lol Ha party later in the evening.
Kay has the federales on the phone.
Lazaro is finishing his third sponge bath, with the 'happy ending', of the day. His GPS system is beeping in the palapa.
What exciting adventure will The Hawk and Marco have next? Hawk has his Crystal Skull now. But are there more? Legend says so. How will they get the bounty from the cave? Are there other nefarious criminals looking for Marco and The Hawk? Will JX2 and Lazaro find out heroes in the Sian Ka'an? Tune in next time to:
The Legend of Marco and The Hawk on the Roo:
In Search of the Crystal Skull
BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laz and JX2 are packing the heavy weapons and sharpening the knives. We're a long way from the finale' (is that right Rose?). Stay tuned. Hell the party at the Lol Ha hasn't even started and Rose hasn't gotten her nightie yet. You think The Hawk would leave her hanging like that? No way. And Xolotatl has a lot more to do.
To be continued.............
< Message edited by Admin -- 9/20/2005 6:22:44 PM >
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For Saskia: Odota, anna minun ajaa se pois!
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/30/2005 10:04:36 PM
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Vagabundo de Playa
Posts: 5463
Joined: 2/7/2005
From: Crystal Lake IL
Status: offline
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Maggie, maggie, maggie
my dear you'd better prepare for the guys in the white coats for they are surely on their way over to your home right now!! Better pack some extra meow mix and a few cans of fancy feast! I've gotta feelin' they're gonna be keeping you for a while!!!
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/30/2005 10:12:36 PM
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GuestI
Posts: 25700
Status: offline
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VDP: I have fended off the white coats before with my sharp nails...I am not worried...purr!!!
I had a great time working with the Hawk's words with IG mom...so send the coats...this was a blast!!!
Many thanks to all the LGs who have contributed their words, characters & personalities to The Hawk's story!
I will make edits as requested and approved only by Senor Hawk!
Cheers-
Mags
< Message edited by Maggie -- 8/30/2005 10:43:15 PM >
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For Saskia: Odota, anna minun ajaa se pois!
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/30/2005 11:00:52 PM
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The Hawk
Posts: 2572
Status: offline
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Maggie and IM,
I'm indebted to your graciousness. Unfortunately my computer has CRASHED. Needa thinks she can fix it but I think it's shot. Anyway I am unable to respond for now but with your effort I will press on and finish the saga. Thank you again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Hawk
(This is Needa's LapTop which she monitors the board with- I'll be back soon.)
_____________________________
"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master - This expresses my idea of democracy - Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy - " Abraham Lincoln
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/30/2005 11:23:29 PM
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Needabeach
Posts: 913
Joined: 11/30/2004
From: Littleton, Colorado
Status: offline
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I must say, are you all editors by profession??Your Rock! I am so impressed that a story has been made of this saga. Many other Gringos as well as myself are looking forward to the ongoing story with all of the new characters that have cropped up. This is going to be fun! YEE HAAwww
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/31/2005 1:47:50 AM
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Marco Antonio
Posts: 2275
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline
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LocoGs' Mags-alicious and Mama Iguana..........
ROFLMAO....................
I especially loved the following exercept.
Bridgett slips in some German and now it's war. Gunter starts growling. Bridgett lets out a whole German spiel and the French drop their drinks and put their hands in the air.
HEHEHE.........CHEW HOI!..........
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......
It's late, I'm smiling, and I'll never make it to the gym in the morning before work. I'm still trying to work off those estrogen pills........
Todo Chido Amigas.......
Marco Antonio
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/31/2005 10:59:13 AM
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Iguana Mama
Posts: 33017
Joined: 10/1/2004
From: St. Charles, MO
Status: offline
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Don't give me any credit for this--I'm just doing some editing for punctuation, etc. I printed out a copy & am mailing it to Maggie today. So this is totally her work.
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May you be in Heaven two hours before the Devil knows you're dead.
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/31/2005 12:34:25 PM
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The Hawk
Posts: 2572
Status: offline
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IM,
I should have known you'd distance yourself as soon as possible from this. But you're like the dog who just got skunked and continues chasing the tail (or is that tale?). Thanks for any help as you know Hawk's are illertirate.
Maggie,
I was just reading a printout of the Legend and was ready to complete the story plus give a true beginning to it. I was wondering if I missed printing out pages as there are many disjointed connections. Zorro wanted to put it all on one thread last year but I didn't want to take him away from his important work (keeping Kay's wine rack stocked). Anyway, now that you have done so I will continue, BUT, I want to completely rewrite for a full barnburning beach read eventually. I hope to have a rough draft by the Feb. trip and then use some of the research to fully connect places together to make sense of the whole saga.
It appears you have an Editors touch which Hunab knows this saga needs. I'm at Needa's laptop now until my computer gets resolved but I'm not comfortable with the keyboard. Thanks for the help and I'll start up soon.
The Hawk
_____________________________
"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master - This expresses my idea of democracy - Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy - " Abraham Lincoln
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/31/2005 1:47:59 PM
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Iguana Mama
Posts: 33017
Joined: 10/1/2004
From: St. Charles, MO
Status: offline
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Hawk--I'm really not trying to distance myself from this--just being honest in what my contribution to the project is. I'm just trying to help tidy it up a bit.
Maggie--I dropped it off at the post office--I used a green pen for the corrections.
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May you be in Heaven two hours before the Devil knows you're dead.
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 8/31/2005 2:59:15 PM
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CoffeeGrounded
Posts: 7430
Joined: 1/25/2005
From: DFW
Status: offline
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Mags, thanks so much for sharing. I recently thought, 'wouldn't it be wonderful to sit and read the adventure'?...I began a search, but got lost in the details of all the other wonderful items posted by fellow LocoGringos'.
This item comes forward again, and does so, when it is so badly needed. In light of all that has happened to us in these past few days, a diversion is required.
Sincerely, I thank you for it's re-submission, and thanks also to those who nurtured its creation.
< Message edited by CoffeeGrounded -- 8/31/2005 3:03:59 PM >
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 9/21/2005 1:53:21 PM
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The Hawk
Posts: 2572
Status: offline
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coffee,
So glad you enjoy this tale. Thanks again Mags for compiling. The book is a work in progess, then eventually a screenplay. Of course a lot is lost in the dialogue of all the friends of the board who contributed from the original thread but it is very loooonnnnngggg. I hope to finish after researching on our next trip in February. Eventually am looking to have a good 'beach read' for all of you. There will be LOTS more to the story.
The Hawk
_____________________________
"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master - This expresses my idea of democracy - Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy - " Abraham Lincoln
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 9/24/2005 9:16:23 AM
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lynnette in chicago
Posts: 2250
Joined: 8/17/2004
From: vlg of lakewood
Status: offline
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I'm printing this for my trip to the Roo next month to read on the beach while downing margaritas. It is the MUST READ of the season for all locos!!!! Thanks Hawk for your brilliance and Maggie & IM for reviving this classic. How about another installment before I leave........por favor??!!!
Lynne
< Message edited by lynnette in chicago -- 9/24/2005 9:21:02 AM >
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Isla~Tulum~Playa
At the moment, I'm beachless!!
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 11/17/2005 6:31:53 PM
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sld
Posts: 107
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: East Texas...near Tyler
Status: offline
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OMG. This is one of the funniest things that I've ever read. I have laughed until I've cried. I don't understand all the references that have a particular meaning to the rest of you but it didn't matter.
< Message edited by sld -- 11/17/2005 9:44:37 PM >
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RE: The Hawk Rules!!! - 3/23/2006 1:13:51 AM
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margarita man
Posts: 4398
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: MM's Blender Bar&Cruise lineYurt-ville Mx.
Status: offline
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lol
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MM's Home of the BIG RITA and ALL U CAN EAT OLIVES
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. The Hawk doesn't disappoint!
